Hard

40 Auden

Sutten sleeps soundly on the hotel bed, and I watch her with fascination. She is so peaceful when she sleeps, she doesn't wake at all when I do all the time. I don't remember a day when I slept soundly.  I am not a peaceful person at all, Linc helps, but I can't rely on him to make me feel better forever. 

The image of Linc at the lake earlier pops back into my mind and I feel myself becoming annoyed. He looked like he was holding something back from me, but there is no reason he would do that, he's always been the honest one in this relationship, even when it wasn't a relationship. Howard was going to tell me something, but what was it? Something about Josephine, or my mom, or something about Josephine and my mom.  I know they were friends and that they obviously had a falling out, most likely over Howard. 

Everything always come back to Howard. Howard leaving me affected my confidence; Howard ruined my mom's trust in people; Howard made me love books but only the tragic ones. All the little life events can be traced to one big one- I grew up without my father. It ruined me and made me vulnerable to Liam and his tight controlling grip on my life. But what if he didn't leave? What if my whole life has been a lie? I don't know if I even want to hear his side but I also know that I can't keep doing this. I can't keep carrying this anger that is controlling me. I wanna be someone better and healthier for myself and whatever future that I may have with Linc. 

"Auden..." I hear a little murmur coming from outside the door most likely Linc being weird. 

I put on a smile because he came back early from that stupid game for me. 

"Hello..." I open the door to the opening of a gun. I immediately push myself out of the room as Sutten is sleeping and try my hardest not to run. The gun is lowered and I can see him without the blurry vision of my fear, "Liam, what the hell!" 

"Seriously? I have a gun pointed at you and you are still filled with sass." 

He's right. He has a weapon in his hands and I know for damn sure that he doesn't know how to use it making him twice as dangerous. His empty hand rises and I think he will pull me into a kiss but he simply sweeps the hair from out of my face, I know this game though. I remember how manipulative it is. He holds all the violence in one hand and love in the other. Old Auden would just kiss him so he wouldn't hurt me, but I don't want to touch him our have him touch me, I don't see me getting out of this safely. 

"Why are you here Li? I know you wouldn't intentionally hurt me, not physically at least." 

I say the words in the hopes he agrees with me or remembers how me calling him Li made him feel special. He used to say Liam is such a bad nickname and Li made him feel special to me. "You are right, I don't," Oh thank God, "So please come with me." Shit! 

"Why?" 

His hands move up his body and the gun goes to his temple, I can't stop my gasp that escapes my mouth, he can't shoot himself, not after everything that has happened, he needs help. Unfortunately, he takes my reaction as a romantic gesture and smiles, putting the gun away in the holster giving me the ability to breathe.  "Come with me now Aud, so we can talk, actually talk. I love you." 

"I can't Liam." 

"Okay, well, you leave with me or I will open that door and shoot your knocked up friend. Maybe her baby can visit ours." 

FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! I can't tell if he is serious but I can't chance it either so I hike up my dress and let him hold my hand as we go down the back exit.  

I am sweating and shaking as we get to the shack in the backyard of the hotel. What do I do? Does he want me to speak first? He clearly has been taken care of, he's wearing a Calvin Klein sweater and matching joggers. He has his diamond watch on his wrist that his dad gave him when he got into UCLA. SON OF A BITCH! His parents must have helped him when he got out of holding! I thought they would send him back to the hospital but clearly, they bitched out. 

"You are staying with your parents?" 

"Yes." He snarls under his breath. 

"Why? I thought they would take you back to the hospital."

He begins to laugh and I become confused, it isn't funny at all. "Aud, you are so naive, they only sent me there to get you to shut up! You gave me a bad reputation which gave them one." 

I am such a fucking idiot, "Do you really think laughing at this situation is gonna make me want to be with you again?" 

He rolls his eyes and he tugs his sleeves down probably from the cold wind flying in here, "I know you are right, I am still working on this sensitivity thing." 

"Dear lord Liam, why do you even want to be with me? Why go through all of this for someone you clearly don't care about?" 

I have to keep pinching myself from fainting with fear, he will kill me if I push too far, even if he doesn't want to, he will if I make too mad. He takes my pinching as a sign that I am cold and takes off his sweatshirt and then throws it to me. I put it on to please him and also because I am very cold. "I love you, you drive me crazy and tried to put me into jail, but I love you. And if you forgive me for everything, I will give you another baby to make up for the last one. I promise things will be different from now on Aud. We can have a family like the one you never did." 

He's doing it all over again to me. He's using my insecurities against me but I know better now. The only question is how in the world do I get out of this? 

"Liam, that can't happen. I'm with someone else and we never worked. I want you to get some help, please, I will take you to the hospital myself." 

"Someone else?" 

His big eyes begin to water and for some reason so do mine. I can't explain it but I feel for him, I really do. "Yes someone else, and it feels right." 

"That guy from your dorm?" 

"Yes." 

We hear a bang from outside and he pulls me into a  tight bear hug, holding my mouth with his hands. We stand completely still waiting to see if someone is coming in but still no one does. He loosens the grip on me but the door swings open with Jace, Linc, and Sutten. YES! I shout inside my head. Sutten starts to cry but Jace shhhs her now he is the pointing the gun and I pray for the first time in a long time that he knows how to use it. Judging by the way he is holding the gun, he does and he shakes his head telling me not to move. 

I nod along and make eye contact with Linc. I wish I could shout that I love him and I am scared, but not right now. 

"Liam, move away now!" Jace shouts. "The police on their way." 

"It's not a crime to go visit an old friend." Liam moves closer and closer to me where I can feel his breath on my neck, please do something, Jace! 

"It is a crime to take a gun when you don't have a license and it is also a crime to hold someone at gunpoint which is how I believe you got her down here Liam." 

Yes! Tell him, Jace! "This is just a conversation with old friends. No need to worry." 

"Okay then let your friend, walk over to me." 

I didn't think he would listen but he does and pushes me over to Jace who grabs a hold of me. There is no time to catch up because Liam pushes through everyone knocking all of us over with his speed and intensity. My dress gets caught on the door hinge but Jace and Linc are already up and running. I attempt to follow but Sutten grabs a hold of my hands to keep me close to her, "Let them get it!" 

"Are you okay?" 

"Yes, let's just wait here until they get back." 

We sit on the ground for close to ten minutes just looking at each other because talking would be too hard right now. We stand when we see a hot and sweaty Linc run from up the hill back to us. 

"What happened?" I ask. 

"He got away!" oh no! "I am sorry Auden." 

I don't hear him after that, I black out from fear that has been with me since I saw Liam and fall to the floor, passing out. I am forever going to be haunted by Liam and no one can help me.