Unexpected | Calum Hood

47.

Calum

I don't know how long I sit outside of Jes' bedroom before I fall asleep. When I wake up again the bright light of morning previously creeping through the windows is gone, replaced by the light shadow of afternoon.

I rub at my eyes with the palms of my hands and lean my head back against the wall so I'm staring at the ceiling. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go from here.

Paisley's cry brings my attention back to the door separating me from my girls, separating my family.

"I know P, I know. Mommy wants Daddy too."

I blink back the tears threatening to spill over as I sigh. How had things gotten so messed up?

Paisley doesn't stop whining and I can hear the frustration growing in Jessie's voice. I can't just listen to them upset, so I stand in my spot and knock against the door.

With the way today is going I don't expect it to open, so I'm a little taken back when it does. The door swings back to reveal Jes looking more disheveled than I've ever seen her. Her hair is still wet from her half-finished shower, piled on top of her head in a messy bun. Her face is bare and tear tracks stain her cheeks. She looks a mess but I'd never tell her that, because I'm the one responsible.

"Jes...go finish your shower. I can handle PK for an hour."

I can see on her face that she wants to argue but just doesn't have the energy. I feel the pit grow in my stomach as she hands Paisley to me and I watch her turn and move towards the bathroom.

I chance a look down at my daughter still crying as she nuzzles into my chest. I offer her pacifier to her and she takes it, sucking away happily as she rest her head against me.

"How can daddy fix this?"  I mumble to her.

I step backwards until my knees hit the bed and I allow myself to collapse onto it. I can hear Jes crying in the shower again and it breaks my fucking heart. Maybe Lena was right, maybe I should give her some space and time to process everything. Today isn't just any day though, she's asked me to be here and I'd sworn I would. So until she kicked me out I'd stay.

•

Jes

I've been out of the shower for about half an hour. Calum lingered in the living room, just out of eyesight, caring for Paisley and trying to give me time and space to deal with the emotions of today.

My mom's death had hit me particularly hard since I'd been the one to find her after. I'd only been 16 at the time. I remember running up the stairs as I got home from school, excited to tell her about the boy who'd flirted with me at lunch that day and calling for her only to hear no response. I remember finding her in the bathroom with the pill bottle still in her hand. I remember frantically dialing 9-1-1 and telling them to hurry. I remember calling my dad next and not being able to put the situation in words, my sobs were enough to send him speeding home.

I had always thought that time would help. That every passing day would help dull the pain ever so slightly until it was manageable. Sometimes it was containable, but days like today, the anniversary of her passing, were damn near unbearable.

I'd told Calum this. I'd told him I'd need him, and even though I was beyond pissed at him, I still did. I know that's why he's stayed all day even with my present mood. I know it's painful for him to see me like this and he only wants to comfort me. Even though I'm angry and hurt, he's still the one I want to make me feel better. Admitting that much to myself makes my next choice easier. I pad down the small hallway and enter the living room. I don't say anything, simply sinking into the couch beside him and leaning my head on his shoulder.

He tenses at the contact, unsure of how I'm feeling and trying to gauge where I'm at.

"I'm still fucking pissed." I say, staring straight ahead. "But today is the worst and I want you to hold me."

He gives me Paisley and I pull her close, breathing in her sweet baby smell. I lay across Cal's lap and put P on her tummy on my chest. Calum runs his fingers through my hair and I close my eyes and for a moment I can almost fool myself into thinking that everything is okay, like we're back to normal.

It only lasts a minute. After that my mind replays the video like it's on a loop in my mind. I watch him with that girl, over and over again until I feel nauseous.

What was he thinking?

I get he was drinking but he'd drank before when he was on tour and this had never happened. What changed that night? The action itself though I could forgive, it wasn't like he really had slept with her, at least I didn't think so, it was that he'd lied about the interaction and tried to cover it up. If the posts on Instagram didn't happen, would I even know about it? That's what scared me more, the thought that there had been other incidents that I'd never know about. Our trust was broken and until that was rebuilt our relationship didn't stand a chance.

I do a lot of thinking over the next few hours, moving from this position only to let Calum change Paisley's diaper and so I can feed her. I get her fed and into the playpen she's sleeping in before returning to my place sprawled across Cal.

"Would you have told me? If the posts didn't come out." I swallow not sure I'm actually ready to hear this answer.

"I'm going to be completely honest, probably not."
My eyes flutter close and I let out a shaky breath while he continues. "I wouldn't have wanted to worry you over something so insignificant."

I consider his words and pose a different question. "Have there been others?"

"Other what?"

"Other people you've kissed since we met."

"It wasn't like that Jes, but no. It was just a drunken mistake and I regret it so, so much. I'm so sorry, Jes. You have to believe me."

"I believe you're sorry. I just don't know if you're sorry you did it, or just sorry you got caught." I pick at the skin around my fingernails as the silence fills the room.

"Let's just go to bed. Maybe it'll be better in the morning." I stand and say, turning to look back at him. "You coming?"

"You sure?" He asks, our eyes connecting. I nod and hold my hand out for him. It's not fixed but he's been here for me today, a day when I truly needed him. I don't know if I'd be as upset if all of this wasn't coinciding with the anniversary of my mom's death while my emotions are discombobulated.

We're Cal and Jes. We'll fix this, we have to.