Unexpected | Calum Hood

40

Week 2

Jessie

The first week of Calum being gone was bad. Crying myself to sleep, feeling completely inadequate as a mother, several breakdowns a day bad.

I did my best to put on a happy face when I spoke to Cal but yesterday I'd cracked. It was all just too much. Paisley was inconsolable the entire day and I was missing her daddy terribly. I'd went through his closet, finding a hoodie that smelled like him and wearing it in hopes of feeling closer to him, but it wasn't the same.

After my FaceTime with Cal, Paisley was asleep, which gave me time to process my emotions and calm down. I'd called Lena and she'd been more than happy to come for a sleep over. It was so nice to not be the only adult in this big house at night. Calum has a way of filling our home with light and positivity, without him here it just feels empty. Lena's presence didn't fill the Cal shaped void, but it definitely helped.

"Does he know that you've been sleeping in the guest room?" Lena ponders as she emerges from another guest room down the hall to join me in the living room. Paisley has only been awake for a few minutes but she seems content to drink her bottle and stare up at me. Her eyes are the prettiest green, like an emerald, I hope they stay this color.

"No." I say dragging my eyes up from the floor to look at her. "It just doesn't feel right. Our bed's so big and it feels empty, just like this house does. I can't bring myself to use the master bath either."

"Jes, that's pitiful."

"I'm trying, Lenny. I don't know what you want from me." I'm exasperated and my annoyance comes out in my voice.

"I want you to not be sad."

"Fat chance of that, I'm miserable." I say with a sarcastic laugh.

"You've never been so codependent before with a guy. You always liked your own space. Even when you were engaged. What's changed?"

"I don't know Lenny, I guess I just had a baby with him." I snap. I don't know what's wrong with me. Lena and I rarely argue and I'm being a bitch.

"You don't have to be an asshole. I'm just stating my observations."

"Yeah, well..." I shrug my shoulders pretty much done with this conversation.

Duke picks this moment to scamper into the living room and hop up on the couch beside me. He lays down with his head in my lap after smelling P for a moment. Cal and I had been a little concerned with how he'd react to having a baby in the house and getting a little less attention. We'd been pleasantly surprised when he immediately accepted her and became very protective of her. He spent his nights watching over her and sleeping next to her bassinet.

"Hey buddy." I say to him, holding PK's bottle to her mouth with one hand and reaching down to scratch behind his ears with my others. He nuzzles his face against my legs in a show of affection. I haven't changed his water or given him his food yet this morning I realize. So I force myself off the couch, hand Paisley over to Lena and make my way to the pantry. I find his food and pour some into his bowl before giving him some new water. He munches on his food happily as I leave him to eat his breakfast.

"I wasn't trying to be rude, Jessie. I think Calum and PK are the best things to ever happen to you. I haven't seen you as happy as you are with him in years, maybe ever. I just wish you could find some happiness when he's not around as well. He's gone a lot with his job and I don't want to watch you disintegrate every time he has to work. I don't think he'd want to see you like this either and it's not like he can just stop having to tour and promote and all."