Fallingforyou // Matty Healy

I Like It When You Sleep

Matty's POV

My brain won't shut off this morning, not that it ever does.

The thing about drugs is they make you lie to those you love most, that's what is happening now. Only Bea and George knew about my dabbling in heavy drugs and I promised them I was now completely clean, except I wasn't.

My whole life I had searched for the feeling of nothing, I wanted the noise in my head to stop, almost completely and that's what the drugs did. When I felt the busyness of my thoughts coming back, I'd take more until I felt nothing but euphoria and then sadness.

This morning is a prime example, I'm laying in bed. Muse is fast asleep next to me, I was a dickhead to her, she deserves a lot better but I can't stop myself. It's like she gives me the same euphoric feeling the drugs do, always has, but I can't quit the drugs so its better to avoid her.

I slide off the mattress as carefully as I can as to not wake her, making my way to the bathroom and standing in front of the mirror. I looked tired, my hair was messy and matted but when I was high I couldn't find it in me to care. The colour in my cheeks was non-existent, I was just a pale ghost and my cheekbones were gaunt.

I slide my hands down my face, talking myself out of a line "Come on Healy, you don't need it. Give everyone a fucking break for once". My skin itched in anticipation for the buzz but I resisted.

Seeing as I had hundreds of jumbled thoughts running through my head at this early hour, rather than take a line I decide to try and write down the thoughts, it was 4am after all.

I sit for a few hours just writing up new lyrics, some good and some fucking awful. The typewriter was calling my name so I went over too it and let my fingers glide over the keys.

I look over my shoulder at Bea, my most prized possession in this ugly world. She didn't know how special she was, how beautiful she is and I don't help in the case of reminding her cause I'm constantly high and lost in my head.

My fingers start typing without permission, i like it when you sleep, for you are so beautiful - yet so unaware of it

I let my inner thoughts out on the paper, regardless of whether they made sense or not and ended it as a poem. I reread it back to myself and sigh, deciding to let Bea read it when she wakes.

The cigarettes that lay on the bedside table mock me, if I was trying my best to get through the day without anything heavy, nicotine would have to do. I grab the packet and head down to the back door.

London sunrises were always a sight, I sat on the step for a while, listening to the birds chirp and the school kids chatter on their way to school and I envied them. To be young and not have a care in the world apart from book reading challenges and going round to a friends house for tea.

A shadow appears in front of me on the wall, the orange English light casting it upon me. I turn my neck to see Muse stood behind me, bed sheets clung to her body tightly as she yawns.

I move across on the step making room for her, she sits down gently next to me, still clinging to the duvet so she didn't expose herself to the neighbours.

"Couldn't sleep?" She asks, fiddling with her thumbs.

I shake my head "I seem to have become a bit of an insomniac as of late, did you sleep well?"

A sad, tired smile adorns her face "Might be the jet setting life kicking in Mr Rockstar." she nudges me playfully "And yeah I slept ok." She takes the cigarette out my hand, inhaling for a second before releasing.

We sit in a comfortable silence, no matter what we were going through we still felt comfortable with each other. "Would it be ok if I figured out a tune for this song I have an idea for? I want you to hear."

"I'd like that, let's go in. I'm cold!" Bea stands up, walking back to our room.

I make my way towards the piano, settling on the stool before letting out a deep breathe. I play a few different chords, stumbling around a bit to find something and then deciding on it.

Between the spires and rolling roofs of the white city,
That orange, English light cast only one, singular shadow
For you are not beside but within me

I hum in the tune of the song, not quite having words for it yet, I just knew I had to get it down after this morning.

Bea runs a hand through her bed hair, giving me a toothy grin "So pretty." She breathes.

"I'm sorry I treat you like your shit, you're not. You deserve the world n' more my darling." I sigh in guilt, all my emotions crashing in at once. This is why I take the drugs.

She crawls to the end of the bed, laying her head on my shin that rests against the mattress. "I get why you do it, I really do but it scares me. Above all else you're my best friend and I can't lose you because you want the world to slow down temporarily." Bea says softly.

My hand runs through her hair, twisting it in different patterns and flattening it out against my palm. "I'm sober now, I promise. Haven't done that shit in a while." I tell a little lie, hoping she didn't catch my voice slip.

"You've been romanticising heroin, don't try telling me you're clean of it all. If not that, you've definitely dreamt of it again, I know you, I still love you."

"Sometimes it scares me how well we get each other. I'm sorry Muse, I'm really fucking sorry. I haven't been doing too well." I cry, letting my head fall to her collarbone.

She pulls me closer, I can't stop the words from tumbling out my mouth "Please don't leave, I know that's really selfish but I love you, you keep me sane."

"I'm not going anywhere, ever. I promise."