Dear Emma

chapter 21 || kai

I stare at the paper in front of me, tears burning my eyes. Tears for Emma and for Ryder.

Tears for me.

I blink fast, attempting to push them back where they belong. I promised myself I wouldn't cry and I don't intend on breaking that promise.

I look around the circle where everyone is holding their own piece of notebook paper. My eyes drift over to Ryder, who's staring daggers into his paper. I watch as he drags a finger across the page, mouthing silent words.

I turn my attention back to Jayden, who stands up. One by one, the rest of us follow suit when they notice that we're moving. He wordlessly leads us through the woods to a small ring of big stones surrounded by benches. He grabs a few logs and places them in the middle in a crisscross shape, throwing a small piece of cotton in the middle. Pulling out a small matchbox, he lights the cotton in the middle and backs away, admiring his handiwork.

I watch the wood go up into flames; dancing around in the air. I look up from the fire, making eye contact with Ryder who is conveniently across from me. His gaze travels to my left hand, which is holding Hayden's and back to the fire, his eyes hardening.

"Who wants to share first?" Jayden says, muting the noise of the fire crackling. I turn to look at Jayden, ignoring Ryder once again with a pang in my chest.

"I'll go," Zach says softly. Clearing his throat, he repeats, "I'll go."

He shifts his weight back and forth, re-reading his paper. He closes his eyes and audibly gulps before opening them again and staring at his paper.

"Dear Uncle John. It's been 4 months since you died and every day it hurts a bit less. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt at all. If I could take it all back, I would. I would've come with you to the damn store. I wouldn't have picked up the phone to call you. I would've begged you to stay. If things had gone differently that night, everything would've been different. You were my best friend and now you're gone," he says in his usual timid voice.

Zach looks up at the sky while crumpling the letter into his fist.

"You can throw it in, Zach." Jayden walks over to him, placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. Zach walks forward, closer to the pit. Hovering his hand over the dancing flames, he whispers something and drops the paper in. His eyes stay trained as the fire crackles, releasing his words into the air.

"Dear Mom and Dad," Callie starts immediately, her voice shaky. "My whole life, I've never had parents. The older I grew, the less hope I had for being adopted. But you guys took in a 12-year-old with no hope or happiness. You put up with me and all of my problems and you adopted me. So when I lost you, I lost the only parents I ever had."

She takes a step forward and throws her letter in, wiping at her face. The rest of us look away, letting her silent tears come and go in peace. Hayden, Ryder, and I all stay silent, none of us wanting to go next.

Hayden gives my hand a slight squeeze before letting go and pulling his letter out of his pocket. He glances over at me and gives me a tight-lipped smile.

"Hey Syd. How you doing? It's still hard to wrap my head around the fact that you aren't here anymore. Whenever something happens, I pick up my phone and go to facetime you, but then I remember that you won't pick up and that you're gone and my entire world collapses again. I get angry; angry that the world took you away from me, angry that I won't get to see mini you's running around during thanksgiving. Without you, I'm literally missing half of myself."

Hayden takes in a shaky breath before throwing his letter into the fire. He steps back and takes my hand in his again.

I'm tempted to look up at Ryder again, wondering if he's going to talk or if he's waiting for me to say something. I want him to go first, but at the same time, I want to get it over with. I'm sick of thinking about Emma without Ryder keeping me balanced. He's always been the one who reminds me that I'm still alive.