Dear Emma

chapter 6 || ryder

--edited

I walk home, bracing myself for the hell I'm about to face. 

I shouldn't have ditched school, at least not without telling my mom. I shouldn't have drunk alcohol and I should've got help for both Kai and me.

Lot's of should've's. 

But it's in the past now. I can't change it, no matter how much I wish I could. If I could, I would've saved Emma and then neither of us would be in this situation.

I know what Mrs. Steele was thinking when they were looking for us - they thought I did something like what Emma did. And I don't blame them, because, maybe I would've.  

I don't know. Maybe I wouldn't have. 

I walk through the front door, greeted by my mother running to hug me, kissing me all over. 

"Mom," I groan, "I'm fine, okay?" 

She pulls away and holds my face in her hands. "Don't you ever go out and do something like that again mister." 

I nod, shifting my gaze to the side. She looks at me for a bit; studying me before she sighs deeply and walks away. I watch her walk away from me, the image of her eyes full of pain burned into my mind. 

I head to my room, shutting the door behind me. Tossing my backpack to the side, I curl up on the giant bean bag shoved in the corner of my room and grab the bottle of spiked Gatorade, turning on some music. 

Ironic, isn't it? 

Less than half an hour ago, I was disgusted by my drinking habit, but I can't seem to shake it. It's a source of comfort. It replaces the void that Emma left me with. 

False happiness; which is better than no happiness. 

There's a soft knock on my door, followed by a softer voice. "Ry? Can I come in?" 

"Yeah," I call out, shoving the Gatorade back where it belongs. My little sister Alex walks in, almost cowering in the shadows. "Hey, Turtle. Come 'ere." I motion for her to come closer. She keeps her head down the whole time she makes her way to me. 

I open my arms up to her, telling her to come and take a seat on the bean bag. Despite what people think, Alex and I are close. Most people my age think it's weird, seeing how they aren't close with their siblings, but it's never been a problem for the two of us. 

We sit there in silence, letting the music on my phone play on in the background. "Are you okay?" Alex asks, looking up at me. 

Am I okay? Most definitely not. Am I gonna tell her that? Absolutely not.  "Yeah, I'm okay Turtle." 

She shifts in her spot to see my face without having to bend her neck. "I'm 11, butthead. You can tell me the truth." Damn. I never knew my little sis was this observant. 

 "When did you become such a smart kid, huh?" I asked, ruffling her hair, knowing that it'd bug her. She swats my hand away and reaches up to fix it. 

"I've always been smarter than you, Ry." 

She speaks the truth. I don't like that, so I retaliate. "Oh yeah? Well, I'll always be stronger than you," I say, tickling her. If there's one thing Alex hates the most, it's being tickled. 

"Ryder! Stop it!" she yells, gasping for air in between laughs. 

"Say I'm the best brother ever first!" 

"Okay, okay!" she gives in, "You're the best brother ever!" she says, finishing laughing. 

"And don't you forget that." I give her a wink, removing my hands from her waist and running them through my own hair.