Dear Emma

chapter 18 || ryder

Kai hands the basket off to Zack, her free hand moving towards Hayden's. I keep my eyes trained at their hands, my anger from earlier rising again. 

Kai's going to get hurt, I know it. Some way or the other she will get hurt. She's not even halfway close to being over Emma. We're still at this camp for our fucked up ways. So is Hayden. 

"If you could go back in time and change the way you acted after their death, what would you change?" Zack reads in his quiet voice. I watch as Zack pulls his knees to his chest, holding them tightly. Zack looks at Jayden, who gives him a reassuring smile. 

"After his funeral a few days after he died, I locked myself into my room. My aunt- his sister- tried to get me to come out but I never did. A few days later, my aunt dragged me out of the room and took me outside. I started to try and distract myself from thinking, which worked during the day. Nighttime was when it got bad. One night was really bad, that I," Zack stops, letting out a shaky breath. "I tried to kill myself. I wish I didn't try," he whispers so quietly that I almost didn't hear him say it. 

Callie reaches over and pulls him into a side hug, telling him how she is glad that he's still alive. 

My heart breaks for the youngest kid in the group. The rest of us are almost adults, but he's only 15. I don't know what happened with his biological parents but he's gone through so much shit at such a young age. Imagining Alex having to go through that has the same effect of knowing Zack did go through it. 

"Zack," Jayden starts, "I want you to know that every single person you know and even the people who don't know you yet are very, very glad that you're still alive. Your uncle would want you to live. He'd want you to enjoy your life." He takes a look around the circle, looking at each person for a few seconds. "This goes for all of you. Your loved ones would all want you to live and enjoy your life." 

"Can someone else go, please?" Zack says in a strained voice. Callie nods letting go of Zack, reaching for the basket and pulling out a slip of paper. 

"When you found out that your loved one died, what was your reaction?" Callie runs her fingers through her hair. "When the officers came up to the door and told me, I was in shock. I just talked to them less than 20 minutes ago and now these men were telling me that my parents were in a really bad car crash and they both died on impact was unbelievable. 

"Megan came home minutes later a complete mess. Once the officers left and I wrapped my head around the fact that they were really gone, I went into a rage. I ripped every family photo that was hung up and turned my parent's bedroom inside out. And I cried. I cried so hard that I couldn't breathe. I had just gotten parents and now they were gone."

"I did almost the same thing," I add, remembering the night Emma died. "I just didn't understand how this could happen, you know?" 

The night Emma died was undoubtedly the worst night of my life. Kai's mom called me and I just ran to their house. Kai was in the corner, knees pulled to her chest, not saying a word. I asked her if it was true, and when she didn't say anything, that's all it took. 

"It's terrible. Having something here one minute then gone the next." Hayden chimes in. 

I look around our circle, locking eyes with Kai, wishing I could go sit next to her. Remembering the night Emma died has always been tough for me, but I've always had Kai beside me. 

This time I don't. 

Callie wordlessly hands me the basket and I pick up the white slip of paper. I close my eyes and take a deep breath, hoping that this last one won't trigger another painful memory. I don't think I could handle it.