Dear Emma

chapter 14 || ryder

--edited

Dear Emma,

We had another group therapy session today and well, it fucking sucked. Most of us started to sob, so there's that.

But it made me realize something today.

I didn't kill you, and neither did Kai. We didn't force a bottle of pills down your throat; you did that. That's on you.

It wasn't only me that failed you, but you failed us.

Ok, that sounds really mean but Kai and I were always there for you. We battled your depression once and we sure as hell could've done it again. So why didn't you come to us? You knew we wouldn't have cared. We rather have helped you again than completely losing you.

Losing you made me lose a part of myself too. I can't remember the last time I was really happy without you there.

But Em, you gotta know much guilt I have trapped inside me. For the first time, I acknowledged that guilt and it feels like this weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I could've been a better boyfriend, I know that. But I can't keep blaming myself.

I don't think I want to.

I'm sorry.

Ryder

I shut the notebook and toss it over to my side, letting my head rest against the tree. I turn my music louder, trying to drown out all the thoughts running through my head at top speed as if they're marathon runners.

The song that's currently blasting through my eardrums is one of our many songs. It's the song we had our first dance too during winter formal that first year we started dating, and whenever we heard this song, we'd both drop whatever we were doing and sing with each other.

All of our friends always made fun of us; calling us an old married couple. I never did mind though. I didn't care about being made fun of because of my relationship. Nothing mattered except Emma.

I close my eyes, taking in the cool breeze with the faint smell of the lake.

"For as long as I live and as long as I love, I will never not think about you, you, mmm, I will never not think about you, from the moment I loved, I knew you were the one," I sing softly, memory after memory rushing through my head and leaving as quickly as they came.

The first time I met her. Homecoming. The carnival. Winter formal. Our first date. Our last date.

Each memory more painful than the last.

I feel a tap on my shoulder, so I turn off my music and remove my earbuds before turning around to greet the person who pulled me out of my mind.

"Hey there," Callie smiles, clutching a notebook to her chest. "Can I sit?"

I move my notebook away, making space for her to sit. "Sure."

She tosses her own notebook to the side before taking a seat next to me. "That was some pretty intense shit back there, huh?" She draws her knees to her chest, hugging them tightly, mirroring Kai's signature position.

"Yeah, it was." I twist my body to face her. "I'm sorry about your parents."

To never have parents for most of your life and when you finally do they get taken away? That's like God saying, "Screw you, you'll never have parents." I don't know what I'd do without my family. In spite of everything, they are my rock. Hell, I've kept an open mind about this camp for Alex. If it wasn't for her fear of losing me, I would never have come.