Sin For Me (bxb)

Needs and Desires*

Thomas

He wasn't backing down from my stare. But he was totally misinterpreting it. I wasn't just bored, or happening to be gazing torwards him. I was thinking.

The other boys weren't like this. Most of them had been punished by Mother Katherine and all they needed from me was a threat. Then they would listen. I never needed to make them work, or to hit them like Mother Katherine. The most I had done was hit Hanson's hand with a ruler for stealing a magazine with naked women littering the insides.

But not him. Damian fought it naturally. Like he wouldn't listen to me if it meant saving his life. I couldn't just tell him not to cuss, he wouldn't listen, and him not listening spurs the others to not listen.

His eyes drooped a bit, and he trailed down my body with his eyes again. He shifted in his seat, and re-met my eyes.

"Damian, join me for a walk?" I asked. He smirked again, now raising a brow. I smiled my signature 'theres no bad intention behind my words' smile.

"What for?" It was so curt that I was slightly jarred. Americans really do hate niceties I assume.

"Just want to talk." I stood and opened the door for him, leading him to the hall. He stood to follow, I copied his lack of detail. Just leaving what he needed to understand.

We walked out, past where the other boys could hear us. Out into the dusty, winding halls that were lit only by wax candles. I don't lie when I say we have made the vow to live in poverty.

"You're probably wondering what this is about." I said finally.

"Not really, more thinking of what we will have for breakfast." He answered absentmindedly, he was watching the portraits on the walls. Old saints and teachers.

"Your blatant disregard for politeness is kind of irksome."

"Your use of the word irksome is annoying." He said back without even thinking first about it. "Now come on, you didn't drag me out here for shits and giggles did you?"

It took every atom in my body not to snap. "Watch. Your. Language."

"Why? Youre not going to punish me. See, I can read right through you Tom, and I know youre to scared to even raise your voice. You'll just creepily stare at me until you think you've weirded me out."

It was so untrue that it made me physically shake my head against my own volition. I just want him to listen, for once.

"I didn't think I needed to. Its your first day, so I expected some slip ups but youre doing it on purpose! Just to rebel! Are you so attached to curse words that you cant go ten minutes without letting one slip?" I just wanted him to understand. To get that all I wanted was for him to follow the rules.

"Fuck. You." He spat.

Something in me snapped. Like I had been on the edge for my entire life, constantly suppressing every bit of anger, and it all came at once.

I grabbed his wrist, tugging it to our room. He attempted to pull away but the adrenaline rushing through me allowed me to drag him along.

"Hey! What the hell let me go?!" He protested but it was muted, my own internal yell overpowering his.

We made it to our room and I slammed the door behind us. His eyes were wide but more interested than scared.

I needed something from him, but I didnt understand what it was. I wanted to do something to him, to get what I wanted, but I didnt know what it was. It clawed at me, my anger looking for some form of release, some bit of satisfaction.

"What the hell are you thinking? Why did you drag me here?" He asked stepping towards me. I unclenched my fist. Then clenched it again. I grasped for an answer, for something to say.

His eyes trailed to my fists, he then snapped his eyes back to mine.

"Do it." He spat.

"Do what?!" I couldnt get my body to calm down, my hands shook, and I could feel my heart beat.

He took my wrist, I didnt fight him, and pulled it to his face, my palm resting on his cheek. I felt the warmth from his skin, so much warmer than mine.

"Hit me."

My heart stopped for a moment. This felt wrong, but my need for release acted before my logic and good will.

I pulled back, just enough, and he stared me down. I let go for just a moment, just long enough for my inhibition to fail.

Slap

I had struck his cheek. It was enough to make his knee falter, but not enough to make him fall.

I stared at my palm, warm now, and red. The soft skin burned. I reveled in it for a moment, just feeling the pain. And letting the satisfaction overwhelm me.

I took a deep, shaky, breath.

He held his cheek, long fingers stroking the red mark I gave him.

I felt my tears start, it was to much, too many sensations, to many weird desires building up.

He met my eyes, "Do it again."

I felt my hand rising to meet his skin again, but stopped my self before I went to far. This isnt right. I shouldnt want his pain.

"I-I'm sorry," I choked out. I touched his cheek gently, outlining where I had hit him. "Go back to the boy's, Ill bring you some ice." He shoved my hand away.

He shook his head, frustrated. He spun around and went to his bed, throwing the covers over himself and blowing out the candle. All without another word to me.

I stood, silently watching him. The tears spilled down my cheeks but I didn't let out a sob.

I found myself also undressing for bed, and climbing into my bunk. I heard his breath below me, evening out as he fell asleep. I kept rubbing my palm, the feeling of hitting him replaying in my head over and over again. I bit my lip to distract me, some other sensation to focus on.

Anything else.