Sin For Me (bxb)

Sick*

Thomas

I was tired after praying for so long, constantly at the altar on my knees. Begging for answers. But now Damian was stopping me from even making it to my bed.

"No not an illness, Im fine now though so can we drop this topic?"

"Oh but I'm so interested, plus you said I could ask and you would tell." He was to close, and the flooding memory of the night I slapped him entered my head.

"I said I wouldnt lie, not that I would tell you." I remarked.

He contorted his face, thinking, which seems to be something he doesnt do often. I needed to go to bed, I dont need this right now.

He sighed, then caught my eyes. The stained glass made his eyes appear more green than grey.

"What caused it?" He finally asked.

I raised a brow, "Caused what?"

He crossed his arms and puffed his chest, trying to appear bigger and more than he was. "You know what. I know why you have been being weird, the other boys might play innocent, but I know your dirty little secret." He said with venom, but he blushed slightly as he said it.

I crossed my own arms and sat on the bed, crossing one leg over the other, "Why do you want to know so bad."

That made him drop the big man facade, he blushed harder, red ears, red cheeks, even his shoulders turned bright red.

He ran his hands through his hair, his fingers looking for the rest of it.

"Why did you stop talking to me?" He said, avoiding my question.

"Because I hit you. I didnt want to foster more violence between us, so I have attempted to put some distance between us." I sucked in my breath and pursed my lips.

I didnt lie, but I also didnt tell the full truth, and thats as bad as a lie.

"I also have been dealing with something that Im not sure you are ready to understand." I finished.

He cocked his head, regaining his previous confidence, "So your problem does have something to do with me."

God how I wish I could just explain it and be done with it. How I wish I could just box it up and throw it away. Push it down until it just doesnt exist anymore.

My problem. How can I just tell him? Tell him what has been plaguing me for the weeks he has been here? Tell him what fills my mind every time he undresses in front of me? How could I possibly tell him... tell him something that I know is wrong?

I cant, but I also cant lie, and I also cant keep pushing it away because it will eventually grow past the inhibitions I have. Eventually it will break me and cause me to just hurt him again.

Why me. Why did I have to be cursed with this. This need. This desire. How such a sin has been infiltrating my thoughts every time I see him.

I cant survive another night like that one, when I hit him, when the seed was planted. If I ever do it will happen again after that, and then Ill be addicted.

Damian.

'If I could I would have never met you.' I want to say, but I also want to tell the truth. I want him to understand how badly I need him to understand so he can stop tempting me.

He came up to me, and touched my wrist. His face softened up, calmer now, and no hint of amusement. A face of pity.

"It never says you cant." He says quietly, his touch running up the veins of my wrist. I stand up to be eye level with him.

"What?" I ask.

"The bible, Ive been reading bits of it looking, it never says you cant do this."

"Do what, Damian?" I say getting frustrated.

He came close to my ear and whispered, "In fact, it basically encourages it. All I have to do is sin, and you'll have to something, right? Otherwise what kind of leader and catholic boy are you."

"What are you saying?" I said for the last time.

He lifted my wrist and placed the palm on his cheek. I went to retract it away but he held on.

"I know what you want. You don't want some girl, or hell you dont even want to fuck a girl. You want to hurt me." He spat, "and Jesus Christ I want you to."

I felt it. The stirring, the need to make him pay for his words.

Im sadistic. I'm sick. I'm wrong.

But knowing that doesnt make me want to stop. Its far to late for me to just stop.

I needed this.

He fell down to his knees, "Please."

I wrapped my fingers into his hair, pulling his head back, exposing his throat. I ran my finger down it, feeling his adams apple bob underneath my finger tips.

I let go though, retracting my hand.

I cant do this. Its wrong, so so so wrong. The fact that I am doing this right now was disgusting. I need to stop.

I was born from sin, my mother unmarried and pregnant, and I was being punished for it. Cursed with this desire.

I felt the tear fall as I was torn between inhibition and the need.

He fell down to his knees, "Please."