Sin For Me (bxb)

Hypocrite

Thomas

I love you... I love you... why would you... do that to me. The thoughts swirled so fast, anger at his actions, his words, and an ache for him and him alone. Knots tied in my chest, bruising and painful, only to unwind as I took his figure in. He was back and he was fine, he was okay... but he wasn't and neither was I. We weren't okay, no matter how his wrist healed.

Something treacherous must have taken my expression, because he looked so hurt, so confused. And I was too.

But before I could soften my eyes, he turned on his heel and pushed past the boys around us until he left the room entirely and I was alone once more.

Goddamn you, Damian. God fucking damn you.

***

Gold broth spilled over the edge of my spoon as I brought it to my lips, dribbling down my chin and back into the bowl below.

Dinner was louder than usual, with Damian being the loudest of everyone. His energy shared between each wide eyed listener as he commanded the conversation, revealing details of his hospital stay, questioning what happened while he was gone, and ignoring me through all of it.

There wasn't much to ignore. I ate silently and stared only at the soup in front of me. I'd catch a glimpse of his hands waving through the air as he spoke, but nothing more. A seat away, and he felt no closer to me than when he was in the hospital.

This is what couples do... I thought hopefully. That this was normal, growing pains and nothing more. He would forgive me, I would forgive him, we'd kiss and make up like every other time.

Every other time... how many times had it been? How often did we find ourselves here?

Surely no more than any other couple, we were... in specific circumstances. We have real problems, real issues to face, surely it's normal we fight like we do.

It had been so good for so long... and now it wasn't... and it could go back to being good.

The idea played a game of tennis in my mind, the two results, we would either die together, or we would break up. That was it.

But the way Damian seemed so... happy like this. Away from me, and free of whatever had stirred between us, he looked careless and peaceful.

Did he feel peace around me? Or did he only ever feel like he was walking on thin ice.

I slowly spoon fed myself the soup and everything else faded. Just me, my thoughts, and the metallic taste of the spoon in my mouth. Well, and the growing feeling of nausea. The nausea of panic, of indecision. An anticipation for something I didn't want to happen, much less play part in.

Should I... end this? Spare us the rest of the misery?

I don't know how much time passed, what they said, what they laughed at. All I knew was that thought thrashing in my head like a jackhammer.

I was dragged out of my mind by the sound of the chair next to me being pushed back. The next thing I knew was the choked feeling of my throat as I was hauled up by my collar and shoved away from the table. And the last thing I knew was the fading light of the dining hall as he pulled me outside.

The cold marble wall collided with my back as he shoved me against it.

"The fuck are you still doing in there Tom?" He spat, hot angry words that made my head spin.

I stared back at the empty dining hall, everyone had left and I hadn't realized.

"I'm sorry," the words came out like a defeated surrender. But it was all I could say.

"For what?" He asked.

Angry wasn't the right word, no, Damian sounded desperate.

I shook my head and turned, unraveling his hold around me as I stalked toward the hall. I didn't need to turn to know he was following me, stomping his heels into the ground with thuds that hid my quiet steps.

One hall twisted into another. "Thomas!"

I walked faster, sudden and hot tears pouring down my face that I refused to let him see. I kept on, stoic and quiet as he chased me towards the dormitories. 

As we crossed the common room, eyes flew to Damian. I could only imagine what expression he made as their eyes went wide.  Someone said something in greeting, something stupid and obvious, something we both ignored as we flew by.

I closed the door to the rooms but it was slammed open behind me, the same with the door to our room, and then we were alone.

Well... we were only with eachother. Not alone. But I felt alone. Especially when he looked at me like that.

Eyebrows furrowed, eyes low and demanding, mouth twisted into a grimace as he opened his mouth to say something.

"I'm tired Damian,"

His mouth shut, but his expression didn't soften.

His body hung in the arch of the door, half leaning towards me, half ready to run. He turned to the hall, looking like he would run, but he turned back and just stared at me.

The cast on his wrist looked whiter in the dark, almost glowing excepts for the scrawls of writing, names and notes from the boys.

A certain weakness enveloped me, and I just couldn't fight anymore.

"We need to talk, Thomas," he tried.

I shook my head and climbed onto my bunk, the mattress I hadn't slept on since this had started. It felt wrong to be so close to the ceiling, so far from him, but it felt right to do.

Except he wouldn't let me off that easy. He never did.