Sin For Me (bxb)

Impassive

Damian

The next morning comes gently. I'm already awake when sunlight begins to filter through the window and light up our room. I watch as the shadows on Thomas' face disappear and light reveals him sleeping in my arms.

I can't help but kiss his temple, then his forehead, nose, lips, lazily dragging my lips against him until his eyes flutter open and the golden pools of his irises light up.

"It's so early," his voice is rough and his movements languid as he curls closer to me.

"Didn't mean to wake you," I say carefully, pressing my fingers through his hair.

His eyes blink a few times before he stretches his shoulders and leans up against the pillow. Sunlight catches on the skin revealed above the collar of his shirt and I kiss that too.

That was how we spent the first bit of the day, quiet and calm. He drifted in and out, caught between enjoying the moment and the lull of sleep.

But eventually we both did finally wake up and face the reality of our lives.

"We should talk, about last night, and... a lot of things,"

He nods and rubs his eyes, untangling our limbs as slowly as he could. I keep a hand on his chest, feeling his heartbeat under my fingertips.

"I don't want to break up with you," he says plainly, certainly, and without hesitation. I look to his eyes and they hold on mine like looking away was dangerous.

I pull a blanket closer over us, pulling his chest closer to mine, "Me either, but,"

"No, Damian, I don't... there's no future I want without  you in it. I don't want to go through losing you. I can't-"

"Thomas,"

He stops and purses his lips, teeth anxiously biting into the skin.

I twist a finger into one of the locks of his hair and let the strands fall back down against his crown.

"I think we moved too fast," he says more carefully.

"And so much of... this" he gestured between us, "Wasn't figured out before, and I've never had to figure it out Damian. You're the only person, ever, and I don't know what I'm doing,"

I let the words flow, listening intently to each one, trying for the life of me to understand. And for once, I did.

"I don't care if you want to stay here, or leave, or go wherever. I don't know what the future looks like,"

He nods, and for a moment I'm scared he'll fight me over it again, but he just waits for me to finish and guides my hand into his.

"I want to figure it out, Dame," The nickname warms my soul, the way it always did, and I hold onto the feeling. I hold onto it even as I realize that he is about to make us face something neither of us want to.

And before he does I squeeze his hand and nod back.

"Why do we fight like this? Over..."

"Nothing," I reply sarcastically, expecting him to agree but he shakes his head.

"It's not nothing, Damien,"

I shrug and turn, looking at the ceiling, "Okay maybe not nothing, but not something to fight over,"

He pulls my jaw to make me look at him, and I do. His brows are drawn in, his eyes narrowed, "We only fight because otherwise we don't talk about it, it's still important. Our plans after leaving? Important. Me giving up 17 years of religious practice to be with you? We skipped all of the... understanding each other and just moved straight into this with no idea about who or what we are to eachother. And frankly, I still have no idea,"

The sudden rush of words, more words than I think Thomas has ever managed to string together at once, piles over me.  I had no choice but to sit like a dog with his tail between his legs as the truth of it punched me in the gut.

"True." That word is all I can manage. It sounds dumb and immature and I have nothing else to say. He's right, and I feel like a complete idiot.