Secrets

Part Four: THP -- Heavy

Notes:

There's a trigger warning for this chapter - for suicide ideation/discussion and depression. We know in real life that Chester spent time in rehab in 2016 and that he had made attempts on his life before OML came out. If the subject matter is disturbing to you, I encourage you to skip this chapter and pick back up with the next one as we move into OML.

**********

September 7, 2015

Chester shifted in his sleep, and behind his closed eyes, the blackness shifted also. He could feel Mike pressed against his front, and his arm over Chester's waist. He could feel the warm, slow breaths of his best friend against his neck, but he couldn't seem to drag his eyes open. He's here was all Chester's mind could muster before the darkness called him back to sleep.

He wasn't sure how long it was until he woke again, Mike lips moving against his skin, but still Chester couldn't manage to open his eyes.

"You're hurting... us..."

Chester tried to answer, but the words stuck in his throat.

"Ches..."

Mike's voice was barely a whisper, and Chester wanted so badly to answer him, but his tongue felt heavy and his mind was fuzzy, and he knew he was in that weird place between asleep and awake. He wasn't dreaming that Mike was kissing his neck between soft whispers - those things were definitely real - but he knew that Mike was dreaming.

Still, he couldn't make himself move away. He tightened the arm around Mike's body and let himself believe that Mike knew what he was doing, what he was saying. Chester wanted it to be easy. He wanted to tell Mike he loved him and admit he'd been trying to dull the ache in his leg and his heart, come clean and embrace whatever could blossom between them. Instead he nuzzled his face close to Mike's and felt Mike's shift until their lips met softly for the briefest moment before Mike's broken voice whispered, "I love you... so much."

Chester couldn't find the strength to answer before the blackness dragged him back to sleep.

*****

The sunlight was peeking its way around the closed drapes in the hotel room when Mike opened his eyes. He was tucked closely into Chester's body, and though it wasn't the first time over the years they had awoken this particular way, it felt different to him this morning. He didn't immediately move from Chester's embrace, but lay perfectly still, feeling the other man's steady breathing, listening to his heartbeat, feeling the weight of his arm around his waist and their legs tangled under the sheets. He never woke like this with Anna, their bodies pressed so tightly together it was as though they were trying to merge into one being.

I don't want him to go. I know he needs to. But it's so hard when he's away. It's so far. I wish I knew what to do. What he needed.

Without really meaning to, he turned his cheek into Chester's shirt, lightly rubbing his face along the warm cotton for a moment, letting his open lips barely caress over the shirt in a poor substitute for a kiss. He felt like his heart was breaking in his chest as he thought about waiting for Chester to wake up, and the conversation they were about to have. Mike had never wanted Chester to sleep in more than he did this morning, if only to avoid bringing up the secret drinking he suspected.

Even though he held carefully still, it wasn't long before Mike could feel the signs of Chester coming awake next to him. He felt the shift in his breathing, the slight tense to his muscles as he regained control of them. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly, knowing he couldn't pretend to be asleep any longer, not with their bodies wrapped so closely together.