Secrets

Part Four: THP -- Breathe

September 6, 2015

"I'm glad they'll be back tomorrow," Talinda said, her dark hair piled high on her head, as she adjusted the tie of the halter strap on her tiny bikini and rubbed a towel over Lily's wet skin. "Though, that's totally selfish. I know when he's home too long, he's so restless. Unless they're working. You think they'll hop right in to the next album?" She was almost babbling as she finished drying off Lily and turned to Lila.

Anna did a quick head to toe glance of her friend before she self consciously touched the over the shoulder straps of her much more modest cut-out one piece swimsuit. These days she was proud of her body, but it didn't feel very warm and motherly to play around with the kids with the very real danger of her top falling off. Somehow, Talinda always managed to keep hers up, and Anna couldn't help but admire that.

Dripping wet kids were everywhere, but Anna didn't mind. It felt normal, the eight of them together. "You're ready for them to be back? I feel like I'm just getting back into a routine!" She laughed, thinking how crazy it was to feel like her life was more normal when her husband wasn't home. "I'm so glad Chester is back to himself," Anna said as she tossed a towel over Abi's shoulders and knelt to dry off Josie. Tyler and Otis were still in the pool, about to start their last race. Everyone seemed happy and tired. Lunch would be quick and then they'd probably all lay on the floor in the Shinoda's playroom and watch a movie. If Anna and Talinda got lucky, the little ones might even take a bit of a nap.

"Mostly," Talinda agreed ambiguously, her too fast chatter suddenly subdued, and Anna made a mental note to ask how things really were later when the kids weren't underfoot.  Nine months. It's been nine months since the accident, and it just now feels like we're getting everything back together. Just in time for them to come home again. But that's good. It's normal. We all need normal. I think it's normal, even though sometimes it just feels right when Mike's away.

Somehow, Anna had held on to her patience during Chester's convalescent months, selflessly sitting on the sidelines while Mike wore himself ragged caring more than she thought he should. She'd talked herself out of a confrontation on many occasions, trying to be more like Talinda, trying to be more accepting, trying to see Mike and Chester's relationship and codependency as healthy instead of threatening. She'd bitten her tongue when Mike was so tired he'd fall asleep in the studio after dinner, or when he was away from the family all afternoon, or when he insisted on being the one to take Chester to physical therapy.

As he'd promised, Linkin Park managed to make some of their scheduled May and June dates, and things had felt as though they were inching back to how they were before the accident. Chester seemed to be physically holding up, but past that, Anna didn't really know. Mike didn't talk to her about his emotional health, and Anna didn't ask. It was a well established fact that Chester's emotions were balanced on the edge most of the time, and all it took to swing widely from happiness to despair was one misjudged word or action. Mike was practiced at defusing most of the bad situations, and life in the summer plodded along in a mix of physical therapy, swimming, writing music, and time with their families. Almost normal.

When the band left out for China, she'd decided it was better that they were back on the road. It was better when she didn't have to watch it all unfold, day after day. It was better when Mike was just her husband that was away on tour, not her husband who was away from her even when he was at home. Eleven years of marriage, and she had mostly made peace with the idea that Chester was important to Mike. Mostly.

Anna glanced over at Talinda again, her arms around the twins, and looked at the set of her lips and the look of determination in her eyes. There was something she wasn't saying. "Ready?" she asked, standing up and wrapping her own towel snugly around her waist.