Secrets

Part Two: ATS -- Sleeping

Notes:

When I wrote Confession I wasn't sure if Mike's girls were twins, so I didn't write my story that way. In the months since, I've discovered enough that I think they pretty definitively are, but it's too late to go back and change chapters in that story, so for the sake of the fictional continuity, I left it alone, with Otis, Abi, and Jo being separate births. Sorry if that's confusing. Please forgive my research fail.

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[March 3, 2011]

Mike wasn't ready to go home. The morning of the Houston show, he and Chester had woken up tangled together in bed, both dreading the three months they'd be spending away from each other after falling so completely and comfortably into a routine the past five. It hadn't come up again, the question of whether sleeping together was right or wrong. They simply hadn't spoken of it again, having made a decision to keep their sleeping arrangements between them.

Abigail had been born over the Christmas break, and Mike had become a father for the second time. Her tiny newborn face looked more like Anna than Otis had, and Mike loved watching her sleep, holding her close in arms that denied they longed for Chester's weight at night. Between feedings and diapering, and playing with Otis, he finished painting his baby girl's room in soft shades of purple and green, a meadow of flowers and butterflies. The four weeks at home had gone by in a whirlwind of holidays, newborn activities, and then Mike was back out on the road, back in Chester's arms, before he even really knew his daughter, before he settled back into the routine of home.

It was a scary thought now, going home to a routine that had been established without him, and it reminded him of coming home from tour when Otis was just months old. This is just my life, the way it's going to be, the way Chester said it would be... my kids growing up without seeing me every day. Learning and changing and becoming their own little people without my guidance. Being disappointed that I'm not around. Maybe someday, when they're older, they'll understand.

Without realizing it, Mike had pulled Chester closer into him as he thought about going home. The vocalist was still asleep, his breathing deep and regular, as sadness washed over Mike. He loved his children, and he loved Anna, but he couldn't help the guilt he felt when he stopped to think about his role in their lives. He was gone so much, was it really fair to them?

What if, back when Chester had joined the band, he hadn't been with Sam? It was a road Mike had allowed himself to travel down so many times in his secret thoughts, and it never got easier. If anything, as the years passed, the thought of what might have been became harder and harder to stomach. He tried to stay in the present, to appreciate what he had, but it was becoming increasingly harder to stay focused, and for some reason, touring this album had intensified that feeling of discontent.

The beginning of the tour cycle had been as stressful as the making of the album, something Mike really hadn't anticipated. All of the electronic elements made timing a bitch, and the frustration levels between all the guys had been high as they worked through the first live shows together. Mike had been particularly stressed, sliding sunglasses on every show, even at night, hoping to disguise the simmering emotions he felt as he navigated the new songs with Chester.

There was something about watching Chester bang the hell out of the drums that had crawled under Mike's skin and stayed there, demanding attention every time they played When They Come For Me. It was in the way Chester approached his part, his focused, driven determination, the way the muscles in his forearms rippled and moved as he went for it, not holding anything back. It was the strain in his neck, veins popping, as he sang. It was almost enough of a distraction to cause Mike to stumble over his rapping, and the leading cause of some of the early timing issues.