What I Expect

The Honeymoon Phase

How long is the Honeymoon Phase meant to last? It seems like something fleeting and distinct but that fizzes out over a period of time. Something that stays long enough to bring people together in an intense bond, to figure one another out. How long does that take, a month? That's how long we've been dating and we experienced an abrupt ending to the Honeymoon Phase this morning. Maybe it's meant to last six months but I've been in the honeymoon phase with Akefia since we met - since that's when I fell in love with him. I still love him, I'm still infatuated. But no longer blindly so.

Maybe this is a good thing, that we had our first fight and I still love him. That my illusions of the perfect relationship were shattered so early so we could have something real and meaningful. I think I've been trying o 'fix' him, or waiting for our relationship to become amazing. I haven't actually been engaging in the relationship because of the Honeymoon Phase. That sucks. Similarly, Akefia seemed to forget how annoying I've been since we met, or similar to me expected me to change without being proactive about it. Like, I'd just stop being annoying. And he'd just stop being an ass. That's not how personalities work!

My thoughts are interrupted by a sharp knocking at my bedroom door. I'm sitting on my bed against the wall, knees pulled to my chest and in a foul mood. I fluctuate between feeling down, feeling angry and crying. Not even being sad, just being emotional and the tears come out as I process everything. I cry too easily. "What is it?" I hope my voice doesn't quiver. That's so embarrassing.

"Are we still going to the museum?" Akefia. He sounds so dead, so defeated. He's probably been contemplating shit since our fight. It's so tense. I never expected him to still be up for going, I expected him to just ignore me.

"Yeah, just a second," I agree, because I don't want to make a point to avoid him. I've done enough running from my problems, what with moving country and everything.

The fight was my fault, I realise. I keep telling Akefia I love him. It's so natural to me, in the morning and before bed. He's under no obligation to love me back but constantly telling him that without him telling me the same feels so one-sided... I just want him to love me. That's not my fault... but he's told me he isn't ready for that. And I kept pushing him. I couldn't take it anymore and asked him outright 'do you love me?' He said he doesn't know. I know he doesn't know, I don't know what I was thinking asking him that. It was pointless and unfair on him. I demanded a better answer, demanded he elaborate. He got pissed and swore at me. I did the same incoherently through blubbering tears. I stormed out. Reviewing it step by step like this, it really wasn't the important milestone I thought. Couples fight, what's important is we can work through it.

I slip into my shoes - tan slip-ons that are easier to put on than laced ones - cheaper too - and open the door for him. His eyes are bloodshot, ash blue bags hang under his eyes. "Oh Akefia," I wrap my arms around him, hugging him tightly. He relaxes but that's the only response I get. Tears full my eyes again, I feel so bad for making him cry. I must've hurt him more than I realised.

The museum is busier than I expected. But it's a Friday afternoon and spring's brightness is encroaching on the dead trees of winter. Tourists, researchers, gaggles of teens - everyone roams the open halls each of which are specialised. Its mostly an animal museum I think, moreso that than old artefacts or artwork. A wooly mammoth is the centrepiece of the largest hall surrounded by sabretooths, different species of mammals and other ice age creatures. The Tombkeepers told us in the Ancient Times monsters existed, magical divine beings. I can see why people would think this colossal Titan was a God.