Not the only one (formally Chloe)

Chapter one

"Chloe you have to be calm"
"Chloe don't panic"
"Chloe breathe"
"Chloe it's okay"
"Chloe deep breaths"
Chloe wondered which one of those she'd heard the most from her mother Ange, she'd definitely heard it more than 'I love you' especially since the age of 15 when her anxiety first got bad. Her mum said she'd always been a nervous child, the one who cried as her mother dropped her off at school. The one who always thought she was in the wrong, the one who never performed in school plays and barely spoke in class other than answering the register.
She put her hand to top of her thighs as she luxuriated in the bubble bath, she felt the ridges of her self inflicted scars she thought back to the first time she had cut herself.

"Mum, why don't I have a dad?" had been a constant question in Chloe's life from the first time they had to draw their families at school in primary 1. So Chloe drew herself a short, skinny 6 year old with blonde hair in bunches and her mummy Ange, and gran and grandpa and gran's dog Bracken. "What about your dad?" Miss Mahon her teacher had asked. "I don't have a dad." Chloe has answered simply. "You don't have a dad why not? Did he die?" Jacob one of the boys in her class had asked her. So she asked her mum once she got home and her answer had remained the same until Chloe was 15 "it doesn't matter, I love you more than a mummy and daddy put together, we don't need smelly boys in our family."

One day when she was 12 her mother took her out for her birthday and told Chloe that her father was completely insignificant. But Chloe was curious and continued to ask. One day when she was 15 Chloe asked again on the rare occasion her mum was home for and had made her dinner. Ange was clearing up as Chloe was finishing her cottage pie, her mother was not a good cook but the one delicious thing she did make was a cottage pie. "Chloe, go and have a shower and put your pyjamas on, and then if you like I can tell you about your father. You're old enough to know the truth." Chloe was excited and had the quickest shower of her life. She came downstairs and her mum was sat on the sofa so Chloe grabbed a cosy blanket off the back of it and wrapped herself up. "Chloe, you know I love you more than anything, and what I'm about to tell you, it makes no difference to how much I love you." Her mum looked unsure and nervous. Her mother was never unsure or nervous, she was a surgeon and didn't panic ever. If Chloe behaved badly her mother never shouted just told Chloe how disappointed she was. "I know." Chloe smiled "you love me more than a mum and dad combined."
"So I was walking home one day, it was dark and cold, late November. Anyway I was walking home alone and I was attacked." Ange's eyes were filled with tears. "Chloe, I was raped." Chloe froze and looked at her mother, her whole world had been broken apart by that word rape. Chloe couldn't breathe. She ran up the stairs. Her mother shouted after her "Chloe wait!" Chloe just wanted to be alone she ran into the bathroom and locked the door. Her mother had been raped, she'd never wanted Chloe, she was unwanted. Chloe was still struggling to breathe, she was an unwanted failure. All the thoughts were flying around her head, what her mother had just said as well as her PSHCE lessons at school. "Raped" "rape is one of the worst thing that can happen to a girl." "Many people who have been raped choose to have an abortion or have the baby adopted."
"Unwanted." Chloe just wanted the thoughts to stop she couldn't even tell what she was feeling but she was sure she didn't like it. She panicked and picked up a razor and pushed it hard into her skin and pulled. The sweet relief of her blood running down her thigh stoped the thoughts in her head. Her brain was focused on the physical pain rather than the mental pain, and that was far easier to deal with.

Chloe wished she'd never done it that first time. It was like an addiction, it became her coping mechanism. And here she was 10 years later and still struggling.
"Chloe, I've ordered us pizza!" Her mother banged on the bathroom door.
"Ok I'll just be a minute mum" Chloe said heaving herself out of the bath. She was spending the night at her mums as they felt they hadn't seen each other properly in a long time. Despite the fact they worked in the same hospital.