Her Candor [1] //Divergent// Eric Coulter

Nessa Hayes

SIXTEEN ✧

After the article was published, nothing changed. Dad tried to send an apology to me, but I don't want to hear it. I have mixed emotions about my family, I only had Granny, Dad and Peter after mum died and I thought even after I transferred, they would still be my family.

I just felt as if I've been replaced with the family he wanted – the Candor born and bred who won't leave. Part of me felt empty, lost even.
Four hit the pipe above the door but I didn't move. I put my hood up, burring my head in my pillow. Footsteps stopped by my bunk, I turned my head and Four stood there with his arms crossed.
"Yesterday was hard on you, but if you don't get your ass out of here and hold your head high because if you don't that tough, sarcastic and sometimes blunt exterior you show will be torn down before breakfast." Four told me as he crouched down by my bed, "Also if you don't move, I'll have to get Eric who as won't be as kind."
I sent him a sideways glare," Fine – I want cake though or ice cream, maybe both. Ice cream cake, doesn't that sound amazing?"
"That can be arranged." Four smiled," but eating your bottled-up emotions isn't going to help."
I sat up," Ya know, I like the friendly version of you. Also, I'm not blunt."
"Pass initiation and you get to deal with it all the time." He smiled, "do you have any idea how happily blunt you are about the beds?"
"They are so bad though, Abnegation probably has better beds."
Four raised an eyebrow," I highly doubt that. You tell anyone I smiled, your rank goes down, significantly."
I mimicked zipping my lips, kicking my legs out of bed. I changed out of the shorts I was wearing to into a pair of leather-look leggings, black slip-on shoes and an oversized cable knit.

Sitting with Ronnie and Harry, my face was straight and showed little to no emotion. I had my legs crossed as I played with the ends of my jumper – twisting it around in circles, careful not to break it. I didn't need to show them how it affected me yesterday. Angel gave me a sad smile, her hand on my back. Looking to the floor, I tucked my left leg to my chest I rested my chin on my knee.
Harry placed his hand on my other knee," Nessa, don't let this bury you on a darker path."
I rolled my head to look at him," Bury me on a darker path? No, I'm going to Candor today, I'm getting my stuff and I'm not looking back. I'll break my phone if I have to. She can't tell people; I didn't grieve or that I was an unstable kid that a strong mother figure will figure everything out. That woman will never be my mother – or so help me God, I will burn her to the ground."
Vengeance burned through my eyes. One thing I've worked out about myself, when I get hurt, I get even.
Four walked through the door with Lauren, he's holding a white paper plate and a fork.
"The nurse said to get your blood sugar levels up." Four told me holding the plate up," We'll do your sim, then you can go see them."
I nodded, crossing my legs so I could bounce my knee off my foot.
Four stood in the middle of the room, making eye contact with everyone," Today, we will be going through your Fear Landscapes – we were going to start tomorrow but preparation is everything as your final chance to prove you belong here is in two weeks, twelve days to practice. Too slow your out – good luck."

Jasmine and Oliver went in first.
In my head, I was playing out every situation that could happen later and how I could deal with it.
Scenario 1 was if Camilla opened the door would I barge passed, grab my stuff and go. Scenario two is if Granny opened the door would I hug her and have tea – talk about life calmly then leave.

Part of me just wanted to drop all ties to them and move on like I should've done weeks ago, another part is hell-bent on remembering that he deserved to love again, and I should be happy.
As the guards dragged Jasmine out of the room, Eric stormed in, his eyes looking over all of us. His eyes stopped on me.
"So, how's dad?"
I shrugged, not making eye contact.
"Look at me initiate!" He shouted
Harry looked at me, I shrugged," She's erm –"
Eric looked down at me," I'm sure she can answer for herself."
"Eric," I said standing up," Go fuck yourself."
He grabbed my upper arm, "Watch your mouth Initiate."
"I spoke for myself, it's what you wanted me to do."

Shrugging him off I left the Simulation room, dropping the door behind me so it slammed behind me. I went up a level to a glass space with frosted glass walls and door with thick steel hands. In front of the room were four rows of thick black steel benches. Walking to the middle, I laid down in the middle rows looking up at the concrete ceiling. Closing my eyes, I imagined what I was like to lie in a field with the wind blowing and the golden sun on my face.
I was half tempted to leave now and get the whole thing over and done with – maybe just break into the apartment to skip all the niceties.

There was a cough, turning my head Sally was standing by the door with her arms crossed.
"Eric's pissed to high hell, but it's your turn." Sally let out a deep sigh," I know you're probably hurting but you have to stop snapping at people and not caring about it – it's not a good look for you. Not that any look is good on you."
I swung my legs over the bench, sitting up to look at her," When you have been what has happened over the last 24 hours and you don't feel replaced or at least yourself worth get taken down a notch – then come find me and tell me how."

Four stood by the metal door with a sad look in his eyes, he nudged his head to the room behind him. I didn't look at anyone as slid past Four, he closed the door behind me.
On the side table was a wedge of chocolate cake with a swirl of whipped cream, I smiled probably for the third time today.
"After." Four smiled

Sitting in the chair, I pulled the neck of my jumper down so he could insert the needle into my neck," let's find out what my deep dark fears are."

My eyes went heavy until I couldn't open them at all.

It was dark, just like how Lauren's fears started. I was back in my old apartment in Candor, with white walls and black furniture. Dad sat on the sofa on his phone, Camilla's name flashed on his screen a couple of times. Granny came around in the mornings, helping where she could to get Peter out of bed – normally she poured cold water on his head.
"Cariño, come; eat your breakfast."
My heart hammered in my chest. That voice, it was impossible. Her black hair was in ringlets down her back, black shinny heals, black office skirt and white blouse. Lips painted red as she hummed in time with Kiss' I was made for loving you baby. Dad looked younger too, no wisps of grey hair of creases by his eyes where he smiled too hard.
" Mamá?" wrapping my arms around her waist was everything I remember," I've missed you."
Her perfume was the same, wild berries. We never threw out the bottle, so I kept spraying it on my tops before I went into having an exam. Her eyes the vibrant green like the Amity fields - I dreamed about her eyes for weeks after her death as if they were drilled into my head.
She ran her fingers through my morning bedhead," I'm going nowhere, my sweet Nessa."
I looked up at her, "Peter filled it with talcum powder the other day."
Mum laughed," just brush it out, and Peter hates the flavour of peanut butter."
I smiled, "don't leave me."
"Never." Mum smiled her brightest smile and kissed my head," Now can we please discuss this nickname thing."
"What about it? "I asked.
Mum sat down," Your Abuelita wants to call you Vanna, but I said you loved Nessa too much."
"What about Anna? A mix of both for her?" I offered.
She hummed," That could work – thank you."

She wrapped me up in another hug, I gripped on to her for a long as I could. Tears rolled down my face, I was happy. Was I frightened of happiness?
The weight on my back disappeared leaving me cold until I was hugging no one but myself.
"Mum? Dad?" I called out through the apartment, "Gran? Pete?"
I opened the door to mum and dad's room, the white duvet did not have a crease or dent – the pink flowers that always sat by the window where dead, brown crispy leaves on the windowsill. The power shut off leaving the normally warm home, dark and unloved. In my old room, I curled up on my bed with my knees to my chest.

I was alone.

When the apartment creaked, my heart rate picked up. I rocked back and forth on my bed, Miss Delancey the Bear in my hands. It's the one thing I hated as a child, being alone – the thought that no one was there when I needed them or the idea, they were not coming back at all. Just like Mum never came back.
I didn't feel like the dauntless I had become, I felt like the pathetic thirteen-year-old I was who was afraid of being alone. I guess I was born to be around people.

"Stay for the night, if you want to I can show you what my dreams are made of" I sang, my hands shaking" As I'm dreaming of your face, I've been away from a long time, such a long time and I miss you there. I can't imagine being anywhere else, anywhere else but here."
My hands stopped shaking; I was able to control my breathing more. I held the bear up to my mouth and waited until the Simulation pulled me out. Tears pouring down my face.

Eric was right. I am weak.