How to Save the World and Other Illegal Shenanigans

The Thing About Vampires

Vampires are officially the most lame, cliche, stereotyped trope on the market right now. How many vampire television shows are there? How many stupid romance novels? How many stupid romance novels involving a broody, dark, mysterious vampire man, who can only find true love with some lame Mary Sue?

Each and every time a new vampire character is created, a real vampire hangs themself.

But surprise! They're immortal, and thus can't die. It just is an act of drama to show precisely how disappointed they are in today's society.

Think about it.

All of the vampires the human population sees has at least some aspect of 'darkness'. Each vamp character has at least one scene where, with blood daintily dripping out of the corner of his mouth, laments, "I'm a bad guy! Boohoo! I've killed people, and that makes me bad!"

Oh, shut up. It's almost like that's what you're literally made to do. Don't you drink blood for a living? And isn't taking blood out of a human body going to kill them anyway? Dude, get over yourself. You sound like a vegan when someone eats a turkey sandwich.

All of this dark, broody vampire stuff totally gets in the way of what real vampires are like. To all of the nerds out there who think that your comic book vampires are cool: wait until you see what a real one is like.

Many of them have been alive for so long that they're simply walking bodies filled with an alcoholic mixture of spite, apathy, sleep deprivation, spite, and bitterness. Angst and brooding is not typically on their calendars, despite what everyone has been conditioned to think.

Moreover, they aren't fashion models, either. Nearly all of the women have been strung up in a corset for centuries, and that just took all of the fashion drive out of them. Now that women can wear pants, it's most definitely the go to option. Jeans and a tee is the common outfit, not bodycon dresses and stilettos.

This is what makes them so seamlessly integrated into society, and ultimately, the perfect apex predator. People literally have no idea what bit them.

When it comes to eating people, it really varies from vamp to vamp. Just like some humans can eat seven pizzas in one sitting, while others only take one bite to feel full.

Typically, vampires need to eat (drink?) one whole person by the end of the week. It's not like they're going to get fat if they eat (drink? seriously!) more in that time frame; all that will do is make said vampire a more wanted serial killer.

This type of serial killer is, technically, immortal. Aside from fire and beheading, these bad boys will bounce back from pretty much anything.

Parachute didn't deploy? They lived.

Drive by shooting? They lived.

Culinary student tripped and stabbed them with a butcher knife? Weirdly specific, but they lived.

Remember that the next time you come face to face with a vampire, because they will have no qualms about complaining, killing you, and having the audacity to keep living.