How to Save the World and Other Illegal Shenanigans

How Far South Do You Have To Go For Southern Comfort?

As Jack walked into the room, he noticed several things.

The first was the temperature. Lucifer had always loved the heat, and he made sure the thermostat was cranked up as high as it could go. Jack had simply suggested he take up residence in Florida.

The next detail was the interior design. Jack thought back to his brief stint of painting his eyes black and only wearing band shirts. The decorating reminded him strongly of that. Black floors, deep red velvet chairs, a massive charcoal desk. It was all very dark, but also very clean. Jack liked it.

Finally Jack's gaze tracked to the man behind the desk.

"Zacarioth!" The fallen angel beamed, spreading his arms wide. "So glad you could make it. Have a seat."
"Please," said Jack and Nothing Else, "Just call me Jack. That other name is gross."

"Fair enough," Lucifer said, and sat down across from Jack, sliding his chair in under that massive black desk. Jack hesitantly sat across from the desk in a similar chair. "I bet you're wondering why I brought you down here. It's quite a long trip, sorry for you to make it on such short notice."

Jack just nods slowly. He supposed it was better than sitting in an empty bar as people screamed outside as the skies rained blood. Anything was better than that, really.

"As you might have noticed, the Apocalypse has been triggered," Lucifer says nonchalantly, as if he were discussing the score of the last football game. "Normally, that'd be great. I'd be really fucking happy. Really, I would, but it's not on schedule. It's not in accordance with The Plan."

Jack continued to nod along. He briefly remembered being present when The Plan was written. He also remembered bringing it to those wacky fellows in the desert and stashing it in some closet for one to find. They later made a church about it; maybe he should've read it to them, or at least included the footnotes on the confusing parts.

"So now we have to figure out a way to stop it, and get everything back on schedule," Lucifer continued. "We have to figure out a way to un-fuck the world."

Jack stopped nodding, then cocked his head.

"Did you just say we have to 'un-fuck the world'?"

"Yeah. And you're going to be the one to do it for me."

"Can't you just go do it on your own?"

"Doesn't look like it." Lucifer frowned. "He's being a dick again. Won't step off his shiny chair to come talk." Of everything said in the last minute, that was the most believable part. "Which means that you're going to do it for me."

"How? You know I can't directly interfere with human affairs. That's why we have Human Resources." The people-- if you could even call them that-- that worked in HR were really something else. They were either half-mortal or mortal at one point, so that gave them rights to ruin other mortals' lives. At least, that's what the Hell division did. The Heaven division tried to fix things and deliver flowers to old people. They were the good guys.

"That's true, but you're working on the divine side of things. Death decided to be an asshole and quit his job without giving a two-weeks notice, and now he's missing." Lucifer drummed his fingers on the tabletop.

"So that means you want me to--"

"I want you to find him. Make him un-fuck the world." Lucifer's lips puckered and his eyes narrowed. He stared at the ceiling. Jack got a bad feeling. "I'm pretty sure you have to work with Heaven on this one."

"You've got to be kidding me."

"Well, they're all stuck up about it, so they don't want us having any influence over Death," he explained. "So you'll have a partner on that one."

"So let me get this straight," said Jack.

"Go on."

"I have to go find Death."

"Yeah."

"Then I have to make him un-fuck the world."

"Sure."

"And I have to do it all with one of those insufferable people from Heaven?"

"Sorry, but yeah."

Jack thought for a second. "What about the human side of things? What happens there?"

"Don't worry, I have the best representative on it already," Lucifer reassured. "I doubt anything will be done right, but she's definitely on our side."

Jack blinked.

"She?"