Until a few days ago, Mr. Caesar Ajax was a very nice person. He had no business in scheming, and knew next to nothing about nuclear war or its implications. Now, he's a totally different person. He's turned into some sort of secret villain, working behind the scenes on plans to take over, destroy, or at least fatally wound the planet.
It's the strangest thing. It's almost as though someone hit a switch, or something.
Rain pounded against the glass window of Caesar's massive hotel room, rattling the panes in a surprisingly loud manner. If the wind blew just a little harder, the small latch would break and dump a torrent of water in on the room's one inhabitant. Thunder rumbled outside, and suddenly the dim lights in the quarters all flickered out.
It was a good time for a maniacal laugh, but Caesar restrained himself. You can't just go around laughing maniacally, as Caesar's developed a tendency to do. People would start to think you're insane, or some sort of evil mastermind. Unfortunately, in Caesar's case, the people would be correct on both counts. His current job was to make sure they didn't become aware of it, or his cover would be blown.
Stepping out from behind the desk, Caesar lit a candle. Its soft glow allowed just enough light to continue his Dailye Scheming in his Scheming Journale. Thus far, he'd written this:
Everyone loves Switzerlande. Theye never have a probleme withe this country, so they'll naturally be inclinede to truste and followe me. Who would ever expecte a dictatore in this fine country? Nobody! Ande that's precisely my plan! Nowe, who can I convince to joine me in my Schemes?
As Caesar sat back down, he began to compose a list, complete with reasoning as to why they'd be ideal. He wrote:
CANADA: Too nice. Woulde not enjoy nuclear war. Or any kinde of war.
RUSSIA: Too mean. Woulde enjoy nuclear war too muche. Woulde steal my thunder.
FRANCE: Impressionable. Potentiale for manipulation.
ITALY: You cannot worke against the Pope. Poore choice.
JAPAN: Am afraide of them.
AMERICA: Loose cannon. Willinge to do anythinge. Prime candidate.
He circles 'FRANCE' and 'AMERICA' and closes the journal. In his head, he can see everything coming together smoothly. That American yeehaw Chad will do anything to keep up his good ratings, and he's heard nothing but timid reviews about the French prime minister, Mr. French. Apparently he stays inside all day because he's afraid of responding to compliments. So, a good guy, but with terrible relations.
Perhaps Caesar could change that.
It seems odd how quickly this is all happening, like Caesar was saying "I love you" on a bad first date.
A few days ago, he was writing petitions to save the whales, to reduce plastic waste.
Then, one morning, he imagined that the only solution that could possibly fix everything was nuclear war. He hasn't stopped that idea yet, because it's actually quite plausible. He won't need to be saving the whales when there aren't any whales left to save.
The thunder rumbled again, and this time Caesar permitted himself a maniacal laugh.
Everything was coming together. Just as he'd planned, three days ago.
He pulled out his phone and slid through his contacts, searching for the numbers of the French prime minister and the American president. Of course they'd accept his request. Why wouldn't they? It was perfect.
Caesar hit 'Call', put the phone to his ear, and waited.
YOU ARE READING
How to Save the World and Other Illegal Shenanigans
HumorSo here's where we're at: Death hit the Apocalypse button, Switzerland has a dictator, the US President doesn't know what he's doing, a vampire is party crashing, a wizard forgot to water his plants, an angel is worrying, and a demon is passed out d...
