suicide hotline / phan

28

Especially not himself.

He grabs the keys off of the kitchen shelf, scribbling a note to Phil and walking silently out the front door. He doesn't bother wearing a coat although rain is pelting down, instead he welcomes the feeling of the cool liquid soaking his skin. His arms are showing, and although every vein and nerve in his body is screaming at him to care, he doesn't anymore. He continues to walk. He ignores his reflection in puddles forming on the concrete, continuing to the store. His hair sticks to his forehead in an uncomfortable manner and his arms sting from the salt of the rain but he doesn't care. He doesn't feel. He just continues walking down that road, the rain soaking through his shirt and turning it see-through.

"Excuse me" He hears, grabbing his senses and causing him to spin around. "Would you like an umbrella? It's raining quite a lot"

Dan's brown eyes lock with the bright green ones in front of him, instantly causing them to fill with shock.

"Daniel?!" His mother gasps, stepping back a few steps as if someone had slapped her.

Dan closes his eyes, his body still refusing to let anything out. Although his mother had hurt him, taunted him and ruined his life, he still was vast of emotion while staring at her, her mouth parted slightly in disbelief and concern and her hand still extended with the umbrella.

"I don't want to speak to you" He says, immediately turning away and walking before a frail hand grabs his shoulder.

"I know you don't, but-" She stalls, her eyes darting in all directions as if she's trying to figure out what to say. "I can't let you stay out here like this, it's awful. You look sick, Daniel!"

Dan scoffs, turning again to leave. Yet again, her hand pulls him back.

"Honestly just fuck off" He says, brushing off her hand. "You treat me like shit for years and then expect me to stand here and talk to you? No thanks, I have things to do"

"Daniel, I-"

"No! Don't. Don't even bother. I know you don't care, if you did you would've shown it all those years ago instead of throwing me to the side like garbage. You were supposed to be my mother, you did a terrible job. Now just let me go, okay?" He snaps.

"Please" She says, quietly. "Just take the umbrella"

"I'm fine-"

"But!-"

"I don't want it"

He turns away, the wind attacking his face as he briskly walks. He knows what he wants, entering the store without a second thought and not thinking once about turning back. After reading a few directions, he swerves into the third isle, striding towards the middle. He stops, letting his eyes look over different options. Eventually, he decides, pulling a pack of blades off of the rack and continuing down the aisle to the counter. His eyes rake the shelves as he moves, his mind racing with strategies and possible plans. He shakes his head, pulling three packs of pills off of the first medication shelf he passes, figuring that it'll finish things off if nothing else works. When he reaches the counter, he slaps the items on the desk, watching as the cashier raises an eyebrow discreetly but says nothing. He then packs them into a bag, and leaves.

When he arrives home the alarm clock blinks '7:00'. He hurriedly hides the items he's bought under the mattress in the spare room and waits for Phil to gradually awake from his alarm clock. He has work, so Dan knows he can be alone all day. That way he can have time to think things through before completing his task. Phil eventually wakes up, slamming on his alarm clock and greeting Dan with his usual smile before getting dressed. Dan watches him intently, taking in every moment and every picture of his face. He knows they don't have long left together, and he wants to savour every second. He watches as Phil pulls off his shirt, the light from the window dancing off his pale figure and contrasting against his dark hair. Phil continues to change his trousers, revealing the small patterns of lines that Dan had never noticed before. He sees the familiar look of pain in Phil's eyes as he's reminded of them again, but the look passes quickly when he puts on his new pair of trousers. Sighing, he turns to Dan.