Even lovers drown (Jerrie)

Part twenty-four

Perrie:

Jade,

There are so many things I want to say to you but can't. I don't want to scare you off. Sometimes I wake during the night to watch you sleep. I look at you and wonder what I did to deserve such an uncomprehendingly wonderful being in my life. Surely I have dreamt you up? You have touched my soul so deeply that I am completely vulnerable to you.

I have never known love like this before. To love someone so deeply that I feel the burning of it in my every waking moment. To love so much that it physically pains me at times. To feel so connected that I don't know where I end and you begin.

My hope is, that if I love you fiercely enough you will see that there is a chance for us. You'll begin to notice that only our hands fit so perfectly together. You'll start to see that only we can fill the emptiness with silence and feel like we've had a conversation. You'll understand that no lips will connect as easily, or no eyes match as perfectly and maybe then you will believe that none will love you like I.

Forever yours,
Perrie x

- - -
Three weeks later

I rubbed my eyes furiously, trying to stave off another few hours of sleep. I threw an eye at the clock, groaning as the dial read 10 am. We had two hours before we had to be at the studio to go through potential songs for the album. I glanced down at the lyrics that were sprawled across my coffee table and bit my lip anxiously. I wasn't sure how Jade was going to react to the song and after the blazing rows we had been having recently I didn't want to get caught up in another one.

Jade had been acting off lately, being lovey dovey one moment and picking fights the next. She had shown up last night at my front door around 4 am, drunk out of her mind and crying because she had a fight with Jed. I tried to console her but it was a bit difficult trying to help someone sort out a problem with their boyfriend while your also in love with them.

I pinched the bridge of my nose. With the way Jade had gone off I was surprised one of my neighbours hadn't called the police. Things were not going as well between us as I had hoped. It was probably just a phase but her mood swings were giving me whiplash, I just didn't understand what she wanted from me.

"Mornin" a sleepy Jade meandered towards me, plopping herself down onto my lap and immediately cuddling into me.

I smiled, this was my Jade, loving and kind.

"Morning babe, how are you feeling?" I whispered, gently rubbing my hand down her back.

"Like I drank too much, fought with Jed and then came here acting like a bitch" she mumbled with her face pressed into my chest.

"Do you maybe want to talk about what's being on your mind lately" I asked cautiously, I really couldn't handle another fight.

Jade stayed silent, snuggling deeper into my chest. She reached for my hand and intertwined our fingers.

"Why do you love me Pez?" Her voice sounded small and vulnerable, surprised I pulled back so I could look at her face. She looked close to tears.

"Are you okay?" I asked slightly panicked.

"Just- I need to know Perrie, I have to know why?"

"Okay" I soothed, pulling her back into me and running my hand through her hair.

"Remember when Zayn and I got engaged? It was a really scary time in my life, because I had this man who said he loved me but there was constantly people coming forward saying he was cheating on me. It left me with a pretty messed up idea of how love should be. Then he asked me to marry him and I knew we had problems but I just wanted to be loved so much so I said yes. I called to your flat a few days later, do you remember?"

"You couldn't stop crying" Jade whispered "you wouldn't tell me what was wrong but you were just so sad"

"I called to your flat and the minute you saw me you know something was wrong. No one else noticed, I had spent the day with mine and Zayn's family and not one person noticed I was upset"

I kissed her forehead gently.

"You see me Jade, you see Perrie. You see me as I am, happy and sad and strong and vulnerable. No one sees me like you do. When you look at me sometimes I feel like you can see straight into the depths of my soul. It's terrifying to feel so exposed to someone but it's also liberating. How could I not fall in love with you?"

Jade sniffled against my chest.

"I'm no good for you Pez" she murmured "we both know it. Hell even Jesy knows it"

"Jesy? What do you mean Jesy?"

Jade sighed. "She came to see me after our Glamour interview and demanded that I stay away from you in any capacity other than a friend"

"Jade" I started, feeling panicked "I don't want you to stay away from me. I can't survive like that, it tears me apart from the inside out. When your not with me everything is in grey. Please, I can't live like that" I grabbed onto her T-shirt, holding her close to me.

"Perrie I'm not trying to hurt you, but how do you see this working out?"

I could feel the sting of tears rolling down my face. She couldn't leave me again, my heart couldn't take it.

"We could never come out, we would never be accepted and management would never allow it. It could be the end of little mix"

I lifted my head at that, I didn't want to be the reason the band failed but I wasn't sure that I could go back to the way it was before not now that I knew what it was like to be with Jade.

"But I love you" I sounded pathetic but it was the best reasoning I could think of.

Jade closed her eyes, leaning forward so that our foreheads touched.

"I love you too Pez" she paused. "Do you remember what I said that night in Berlin? I said I never wanted to be the reason you were hurting again" she placed a feather-light kiss to my forehead.

"It doesn't matter if you hurt me as long as your here to kiss it better" I cried.

"It does matter Perrie. I've been selfish and I've been cruel. That isn't the kind of love you deserve. You don't deserve to be treated like this and neither does Jed"

Jed. Of course.

"Is this about Jed? Is it cause you love him more-"

"Perrie" Jade interrupted "this isn't about Jed, this is about you and me"

She rose from my lap, kneeling down on the floor in front of me.

"I'm toxic for you Pez. I know we don't discuss it but you're skin and bone. More than that I've noticed that you have scars on your thighs and stomach- I know there self harm scars. I should be building you up not making you feel worse"

I leaned forward to grab at her hands. She didn't understand, she made things better. What was the point without her.

"No Jade no, you have to understand. I can change. Please" I begged "you make things better. I can't do this without you"

She leaned forward and kissed my forehead.

"Yes you can Pez, you're stronger than you think"

She stood up and glanced down at the coffee table.

"I'm going to go, I'll see you at the studio okay?" She smiled sadly at me.

"The song is great by the way, but you deserve more than that" she waved at the lyrics glaring up at us."I'm still your friend Perrie okay, I'll still be there for you. Always"

And then she was gone.

I blinked rapidly looking down at the page that Jade had pointed out. Tears starting to blur the words in front of me.

'Every second we fall to fire below
It's so beautiful
The hell that we both made for each other
But it's all love and war
Louder we roar, crying for more
I know it's so wrong, but baby just
Touch me
Why don't we kill each other slowly?'

A/N: Monster in me honestly makes me cry every time I listen to it. If they sing it on tour I'll be inconsolable 😩😭 xx