Even lovers drown (Jerrie)

Part six

Trigger warning- Mild topic of self-harm.

Perrie:

Just as my lungs began screaming for oxygen, I felt Jade pull away. She kept her hand running up and down my spine, probably the only thing that was keeping me from freaking out. I had moments ago being kissing Jade. As in my bandmate Jade, my best friend Jade. Jade who I was head over heels over heart in love with.

I felt like I was under a spell and unwilling to break it I kept my eyes tightly closed. Untangling  my hand from Jade's hair, I brought it up to my lips, they still tingled. I heard Jade emit a breathy giggle.

"Open up your baby blues Pezza"

I cracked one eye open to be met with Jade's smiling face. "Now you've kissed a girl" she grinned "and little mix wasn't destroyed" she added with a wink. I let out a loud laugh. Maybe the world wouldn't fall apart.

My smile soon started to diminish slightly, I mean ya I had kissed Jade or more so she had kissed me, but what did that actually mean?

It means nothing Perrie you idiot, a voice in my head said, what did you think was going to happen that you'd tell Jade your bi and suddenly she spill out how she's loved you from the start. Be real, do you really think she's doing this for any other reason than the fact that she pities you.

"What's going on inside that beautiful head" Jade asked as she brushed stray strands of hair out of my eyes.

"Um- I, uh. What just happened" I finally managed to get out.

"Oh god, I hope I haven't made you uncomfortable Pez. I was just trying to show you that being you won't cause the world to stop spinning. You don't have to be afraid"

Obviously. It was a pity kiss. Okay, now it's time to just act like nothing has happened and that your heart isn't about to explode out through your chest. Easy peasy. Just as I was formulating how to speak again, the hotel door burst open.

"Before you little lesbians say anything there was no sock on the door so I took that as an invitation to enter" Jesy cackled as she appeared at the end of the bed with Leigh.

Cold dread spread through me. Jesy called me a lesbian constantly, in fact she called nearly everyone she met a lesbian regardless of wether they were male or female never mind their sexuality. This time though I felt laid bare, like she could know all my dirty secrets just by looking at me. I tried to swallow down the lump in my throat.

I could feel my palms become sticky and there was a loud buzzing noise in my head. Jade must have spoken as her breath hit my face, but it no longer felt comfortable. Then it hit me, Jade and I were lying mere inches apart, our lips swollen and hair tousled from our earlier kissing. Oh god. They know.

I bolted from the bed, tripping over the duvet in my eagerness to put space between Jade and I, between the truth that I was sure everyone could now see.

"Jesus Pez, are you okay?" Leigh grabbed my arm to steady me. I looked around like a deer caught in the headlights to see three worried faces looking back at me. Okay Perrie just act cool, if you don't act suspicious they won't ask questions. Judging by the look on Jesy and Leigh's face that plan was failed from the get-go.

"Oh, haha, ya sorry I thought I felt a spider" I let out a bark of a laugh. Leigh looked at me as if I had lost my mind.

"Probably Jade's toe" I glanced towards her, trying to convey everything through our eye contact. Thank god she seemed to understand as she broke into a rich laugh.

"Oh Pezza, never change" she turned her attention fully to Jesy. "I assume you burst in here so you could watch Disney movies with us, so all of you hush your mouths and get into bed"

I tried to calm my rapidly beating heart and slid back into my original space beside Jade. The girls seemed to have bought my weird behavior as the both hoped into the bed and began bickering over what room service to order.

30 minutes later

With enough food to feed the entire hotel we all settled down in the bed. As the soundtrack to Beauty and the Beast rang out I started to think back to what had happened earlier, while absentmindedly running my fingers along the raised scars that littered the space around my pelvis. Even if I managed to act normal around Jade she would want me to tell the girls, something about secrets tearing us apart.

I rolled my eyes, I couldn't even keep track of the amount of secrets I was hiding from those three, the guilt of it sat heavy upon my conscience. I glanced over at the girls who were all laughing and singing along with the film, I couldn't help the smile that fell to my lips. I really was beyond lucky to have them, but deep down I knew. I knew that no matter how much I loved them they would never forgive me, I would ruin little mix.

I knew I was selfish for falling in love with Jade and expecting her to return it. Selfish and weak, the voice in my head screamed out, muffling the girls laughter. Selfish. I traced  a raised scar with my nail. Weak. I pinched at my stomach. Pathetic. I pushed away the plate of food in-front of me.

Jade looked over at me as I mustered the strongest smile I could. Using her hair to shield her face, she lent in towards my ear, "We'll talk about earlier once were alone. Don't worry Pezza, I still love you"

I wish.