We Are Infinite

n i n e t e e n

k a d e  /  n i n e t e e n

It's around 12 when Mia tells me that she's got to go, and so our conversation ends. I switch off my phone, and run a hand through my hair.

Damn. I don't know what to think. Or what to feel. I don't know.

I let out a yawn, closing my eyes, the pillow cool beneath my head. I'm exhausted, but I'm unable to get sleep, my thoughts keeping me awake. I'd stayed home from school today, because I've got soccer training with Coach Hudson in an hour, one on one without the rest of the guys. The game against Greytown High is tomorrow, and the pressure weighing on my back is already enough. Coach was the one who'd suggested that I take the day off from school, and I'd been too happy to comply.

I've been training a lot, both with the team and on my own. I'd always preferred training on my own, from way back when I was younger. The empty turf has always been better, the night sky above me the only observer to the ball at my feet. Getting myself ready, not only physically, but mentally as well. I'd always believed that having your head in the game, focused on nothing but the ball; that was more important than just playing, with no drive, no hunger for success that led to determination.

With no determination, I doubt it's possible to get much done at all.

I've never had as much pressure on my back, though, not for a few years. Back when I enjoyed soccer, as a hobby, I'd only played for myself, and not for anyone else. And then Dad came onto the scene, and I'd lost all motivation to play for myself. I just didn't enjoy it anymore. Dad's pretty big on me winning this championship for my school, and I've finally got a chance to do just that. I suppose if Albert Einstein High wins the championship, Dad will be okay with it if I tell him that I want to quit soccer.

I'd play it as a side hobby, but not for school. Not for him, anymore.

I remember Coach Hudson warning me about distractions, and I feel the slightest pangs of guilt. I'd spent the past few hours talking to Mia Lynch, and the conversation left me feeling so damn confused. Mia seems so similar to me, and we have so much in common. Talking to her was like coming home, and I've never known what coming home feels like, but now I do. She gets me to open up so much, and God knows I'm never that vulnerable to anyone. I've never let anyone see that side of me, beside her.

It's terrifying. Maybe I'm not supposed to admit that, because I'm a guy and we shouldn't think that, but I've never believed in all that egoistic shit. I've been afraid of getting attached, but what if I already am?

I don't want to push her away again. You don't find much people like her these days. It'd be too huge a mistake to let her go. I can't let her go.

But what about the other girl, the one on High Street? I'd felt a connection. A click. Something I can't much put into words, but there was something. Besides the obvious fact that she was drop-dead gorgeous, when our eyes met, I'd felt something. And I don't doubt that she had too.

My phone rings. Coach Hudson. I answer the call, telling him I'm on my way. I take a deep breath, hoping he wouldn't be able to see the gauges in my head turning quite so much. If Coach sees that I'm distracted, way distracted, I'm done for.

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