FEAR Life (sporadic updates)

Chapter 34 What is suicide?

I walk inside my office after sending Damon back to his shift downstairs. Decorus was sitting on one of the seats in front of my desk just looking out the window. He seems lost in thought and there was a part of me that wanted to consider listening to his worries so I could help. I hate myself for thinking like a weakling, but I don’t think I had a choice in keeping my emotions at bay.

            “Why do you look as if you have all the problems in the world?” I ask, before I could stop myself.

He looks toward my direction and his eyes follow as I sit right in front of him.

            “Because as of this moment I feel like I do.” He replies, coming closer to the desk. His arms were resting on the edge of my desk and the proximity was a little unnerving.

                        “Why?” I manage to choke out, with a voice that sounded completely normal.

            “You’re blood should be protected. Don’t give your heart to just anyone.” Decorus changes the subject suddenly, unwilling to answer the questions I had.

                        “What makes you think I would do that? I’m completely capable of protecting myself when I need to. The blood no longer works on the three of you and that should be obvious to all of you by now. So why would you take it once more?”

            “The betrayal caused a stir in your blood therefore making it a lethal poison for the three of us. I already know that. You act as if you’re some emotionless bitch one second and a confident leader the next. You’re emotions are unstable therefore making it much easier for people like Damon get access to your heart.” He explains. 

            I feel incredibly irritated at his doubts. He treats me as if I was a child that was consistently having temper tantrums.

            “Why did you take my blood if you knew that would happen? Are you suicidal?”

Decorus smirks and shakes his head. “Is that disappointment I hear in your voice? Suicidal: taking one’s life. A cowardice way to die?”

The judgment in his tone acts like a slap on my cheek. It pains me that he sees me in that light.  

            “That seems like a bit of a statement rather than a question.” I retort. “Suicide is not a cowardly move and never will be. It takes strength to believe that you have to be gone for others to be happier.” Anger seeping through every word I muster out.

            He nods slowly, leaning back into his chair.

                         “Why did you have another syringe?” I repeat impatience clear in my voice.

            “Why do you think I would take it?”

                        “Are you going to answer me?”

            “My flight’s leaving soon.”

                        “Forget it. Leave Decorus . Have fun on your trip.” Sarcasm thoroughly present in my words.  

            “What if I told you that the syringe you have in your hands right now was the one Immitis gave me. What if I told you that I had never used it?” He asks, staring deeply into my eyes completely immersed.

                        “What makes you think I would believe you?”

            He stands up and lifts his shirt up. I start to open my mouth in protest when I see a long scar going from his abdomen to the beginning of his waist.

            “The day that Immitis gave us your blood was the day we had a big task asked from the governor. In other words, Caleb and Immitis created a deal between each other that would benefit both parties in the long run. Caleb must’ve delivered it around a week prior and Immitis hid it for quite awhile. Your blood does not expire as long as the person that holds it at that moment is a person you love. That person was Caleb and you obviously loved him at that time. In the case that the blood is transferred, but you no longer love the previous owner well you need to warm it up, literally. Rubbing the syringe between your hands will create a brief period of change that allows for a transfer of possession which only works once more. Therefore even if you had realized Caleb’s betrayal we would have still been able to use it since you felt the unconditional love for the Strong Three at the time. Now this syringe is old and lethal especially to the three of us because of our betrayal. Our loyalty gave us your unconditional love like those of family members, but a betrayal from either one of us breaks that bond permanently. The governor asked us privately to break into a highly protected facilitation to gain access to one of the most wanted groups that was threatening his life. We successfully broke in alongside another ten of our members. Every step we had was perfect and flawless until one of our members were in a chokehold with a knife to her throat. Abditus and Immitis were on the other floors above me so they were in no position to help.  I was behind the culprit and he didn’t realize I was behind him because everyone else was in front of him. I successfully got his attention away from the girl long enough to push her away, but he had a lucky shot. The knife in his hand had found my vulnerable spot near my abdomen and it went in deep. Had I taken your blood no scars would have been left and blood would have been only the size of that syringe. Seeing that he was a werewolf that was highly trained as well, I should’ve injected your blood like Abditus and Immitis, but I refused. Immitis doesn’t know this yet, but Abditus found out when I changing in my room.”  He explains, getting up to leave.

            “Why would only the Strong Three use it?”

                        “We frequently lose members whether you want to believe that or not. The most important aspect of an Elite organization is to keep things under control. In order for that the leaders have to survive through everything. With our life on the line, there would have been utter chaos.”

            “I’m sorry.” I whisper out.

                        “I never blamed you for anything.” His voice was calm and that should’ve been soothing, but there were no emotions I could identify.

            “I should’ve listened to you when you said you wanted to explain.”

He shrugs. “I need to leave; we’ll be late for our flight.”

I nod reluctantly. Although they were going by private flights, there was a specific time you had to get there by so everything could be prepped up by then.

            “Call me when you land.”

                        “Is that business related or-- “

            “It’s something I need to hear from your voice. Abditus is there to let me know for the Elite issues, but you need to call me because you’re there.” I explain, not knowing what else to say.

            He nods and walks out quietly.

I put my head on my hands and bite back a cry.