Hurting

The Start

One week has passed since I gave up my razor and basically my freedom to Sam and my roommates. I feel a little trapped every now and then because I can't do anything without my roommates knowing. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate their help but it's like I can't have any privacy. Sam is really good at leaving me alone when I want to be left alone but the others, not so much. Corey and Jake are notorious for just wanting to know what I'm doing every second and to be honest, it's quite annoying. It seems like Aaron and Sam can understand when I want to be left alone.
I, of course is in my room like always but I was watching Sam pace today. He is worried about something but does he dare to tell me? No. I can understand why he doesn't want to tell me what's bothering him but he's my light to the world, I want to help him out. I feel guilty when something is bothering him and I can't do anything about it. Right now is exactly what I feel like, guilty. I must've pulled Sam out of his trance by my constant watching because he stopped as soon as our eyes met.
"What's wrong Sammy?"
"Nothing." Giving Sam a blank stare, I waited for him to spill it. Sam nervously bit his lip, he knew that I knew that he was not telling the truth.
"Colby? Are we a thing?" Sam sputtered out before quickly turning away, his face turning red.
"Like dating wise? I would like to believe so but that all depends on you." I calming acknowledged his silence, knowing he was uncomfortable and most likely embarrassed.
"Yes." Confusion took over. I was confused on what he meant by "yes". Sometimes Sam makes no sense and that is the case right now. I sat there, trying to think about what he meant.
"Sam, what do you mean by that?"
"As dating wise, yes. I believe we are a thing but we can't tell the fans or anyone else anything." Warmth tried to fill me but was quickly crushed down by the darkness.
"He lying. He doesn't love you."
"Go away..." I muttered to myself also getting Sam's attention back to me. He seemed confused at first then realized that I was just talking to myself which is a perfectly normal Colby thing to do.
"Um Colby... That's not the exact reason why I am worried. I - uh Brennen wants to meet with us to uh talk." Sam used the word "talk" loosely but I knew why he did that. Fear replaced all my other emotions at the thought of being confronted by Brennen Taylor and I knew it wasn't going to be a talk, it was going to be a lot of accusing.
"When?" I slowly clasped my hands together, feeling dreadful.
"Tomorrow" Sam responded with a dead tone.
"Maybe Brennen will say something that will finally make you kill yourself."
Sam walked over to me, sitting down beside me. I watched him fidget with his hands for a bit before I turned my attention back to my own hands. I wasn't surprised that I had instinctively reached for my slow healing wounds to cause myself pain. Sam took notice with my sudden action and gently pressed his hands into mine.
"Don't." That's all he said. He didn't need to say anything else to stop me. So many emotions took over, making me feel sick. Clenching my fits and biting my lip harshly, I fought back the thought of crying.
"You are such a let down. No one likes you. There is no need for you here."
Sliding my hands away from Sam's, I lean forward to the edge of my bed. I didn't care what Sam was thinking, I was getting caught up in my own. Every thought that crushed my hope came to mind. My need for harm growing increasingly fast at the thoughts starting to torture me. Why can't I be normal? Why is it that I'm such a failure?
"Colby... What are you thinking?" Sam's ever so soft voice cut into my thoughts. I turned to look at him, debating to lie to him or not. I personally hate lying to Sam because I know I can get away with it. I tend to be a very good liar that even my best friend sometimes can't tell if I'm lying.
"Why am I such a failure? Why can't I just be normal?"
"Is that what you really think about yourself Colby?" Sam watched me in horror. His bright blue eyes filled with concern.
"You are not a failure Colby. Believe it or not, you actually inspired me to be positive and do things I wasn't comfortable with. Also you can't be normal because we are Beyond The Norm." He added, gently nudging me. A small smile appeared on my face at Sam's lovely reference to his merchandise.
"Oh Sammy, you must really love your merch or something." I muttered sarcastically, earning a laugh from Sam. Sighing, I push myself against the wall. Debating whether or not Sam is telling the truth about me inspiring him.
"We are going to have to work on a lot of things, aren't we?"
"I guess so...." I replied to Sam, doubt still clouding my thoughts of "positivity". Sam leaned against me, most likely thinking about how he is going to "help" me.
"We will get through this together. No matter how long it takes, you will get better Colby." Sam promised me, not wanting to let doubt get to him.