Longing

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It was 2:33 a.m. when I got home. I was tired and just so done. I wanted to be with Sam but Sam thinks I'm a horrible person.
"You worthless, idiotic person. You let Sam know that your not okay now you know the truth. He most likely hates you. Just jump off a bridge and end it all." I tried being super quiet when I walked in to the house but to my dismay Katrina and Devyn was talking quietly before I walked in. Now both the girls looked at me.
"Colby, where did you go?" Devyn stared at me like a deer in headlights.
"I went to Brennen's." That was true. I did go to Brennen's but I only stayed there for two hours before I went to an abandoned warehouse and sat on the roof for the rest of the day.
"But all day?" Katrina spoke for Devyn. I felt suddenly angry that they wanted to know where I went.
"Yes. Why does it matter where I went? Am I not allowed to go out without permission now?" I gritted my teeth as I spoke. Both of the girls eyes widened and stared at me in shock.
"Colby. Wait." Devyn tried to stop me for walking up the stairs but I continued my way up the stairs, ignoring them and their calls for me.
"Stop doing that you idiot! Now they'll definitely think there is something wrong with you!" Guilt gripped on to me like sharp claws. Half of me wanted to go back down and apologize for being so rude but I just felt so tired. As I was walking down the hallway where Sam and I live I couldn't help but to notice that Sam's door was open. Curiosity got the best of me. I slowly walk to Sam's bedroom, careful not make any sound. I peered around his door to see Sam was passed out on his bed. A smile crept onto my face.
"God Sam is so cute when he sleeps. He looks so calm, so peaceful." My smile was replaced with hurt and regret. I turned away from his door to my bedroom. As I was closing my door I could hear both Devyn and Katrina come up the stairs.

It was 2:59 a.m. when I got into my bed. I didn't sleep of course but I just pressed my back against the wall. Thinking about everything that went wrong.

"A disappointment to the world is what you are Cole. You know where it is. Just do it. It won't hurt any else, only you, of course."

"No." I managed to tell myself sternly. Trying very hard to push away all my thoughts. I looked at my arm, showing the red angry lines that tell me I am a failure. My other hand drifted to the cuts, slowly running over them lightly. Very faded scars shone on my arm as it reminded me of my past.
"Cole Robert Brock. You are a fuck up. Why do you even try?"  The tears I had tried holding back now rolled down my cheeks. I hated myself. I'm just a screw up. I want this pain to end.

"Why? Why me? What did I ever do to deserve this?" I cursed at God. Hating him for making me a complete and utter mistake.

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