To Be Honest

Doubt and Love

Ughhhh..

Guys, I've told myself over and over repeatedly to get over a guy, but it's just not happening!

You've probably experienced this yourself, am I right? 😂

But that's not the reason I brought this up. Of course, this part is kind of my thoughts once again, and for those of you who are experiencing doubt. So there is a point to why I am bringing this all up.

(Oh and I'm a girl, so this is more pointed towards girls. Sorry guys.)
So here is the point of this all:

So I have liked this guy for over a year now. He is constantly on my mind, and I'm always fantasizing things that we'd do together or things I would imagine him to be like.

Every girl has probably done this once or twice right?

Well I've done it a lot more than twice, but the problem with this is that you find yourself not remembering if it really happened or not. You get mixed up with reality and your fantasies, is he really sweet? Does he actually have a way with words?
So I recommend that you DO NOT do this. I know from experience and from a friend's experience.

But anyways--

Last summer I told him I liked him, and he sort of rejected me. Ok not sort of but he did. He friend zoned me is a better way to put it.

So I texted him like in the evening and we had a long conversation until like 10pm or so. And then without me realizing it, I told him I liked him. THROUGH TEXT. It was terrible.

And he didn't respond until the next morning.
And because I was on a trip, I was stuck in a car for 7 hours with 9 people. Left with my thoughts.

It wasn't that I didn't have anything to do for 7 hours, it was that I couldn't get myself to do anything. I just couldn't stop thinking about how I was mislead I guess. It felt like he felt the same way about me during the school year, but I guess I was wrong.

After that, it took me a few days to finally get over it. I couldn't stop feeling pathetic and like I wasn't good enough or pretty enough for him.

Then when the new school year started, well, I found out I had intro to health sciences with him. And don't get me wrong, I love the subject, just not the class. (I think I'm going to go into the medical field.)

I was miserable. Everyday was awkward, and I didn't say a word to him, I felt humiliated that he knew that I liked him, loved him even. And at the time he probably still thought I liked him, so it was awkward.

Yeah but anyway I thought I got over him during the summer, even told myself I never wanted to see him again.

And then boom, I have a class with him and I see him every A day.

So that was the first couple months of school before October when my family do a carnival in our backyard along with a play, games, and a spook alley for Halloween.

So I decided to invite one of my friends from the school soccer team that I was on.

And the thing is, is at practice sometimes, she'd talk to me about her crushes and then would ask me if I had any. I'm a quiet person, I keep myself and stay away from anyone having an opportunity to hurt me. After she gained my trust and we became good friends, I finally I told her about my crush.

Well.. she went out of her way and decided to go and talk to him, get to know him and even spent some time at Lagoon with him.

Yeah, you read that right. She texted me a picture of them at Lagoon. And then told me she liked him.
I don't wanna be rude, because she's my friend and I care about her, but that's pretty low. It broke my trust, and to be honest, I didn't really want to consider her as my friend, but once people get through my walls, they kind of stay. I'm very loyal to my friends and will do anything for them.

But the worst part about it was she invited him to MY carnival.
And for some reason I'm a person that can't say no.
At the time I was a little frustrated because I hadn't talked to him in forever and now he was coming to MY house.

But she was my friend, so as long as she was happy, then I'd be ok..
That was my thought then and now even I'm glad I'm that way. Accept who you are :)

Well that day that they were both coming was a Monday.
Monday was an A day, so I had class with him, of course ugh!! 😁

After class he stopped me in the hallway.
I was shocked and terrified.
Luckily I looked okay that day 😂😂

Guess why he stopped me?

He stopped me to ask if it really was okay if he came since my friend had invited him. And he even said he understood if I didn't want him to come.

Which was so sweet! He's so sweet ❤️ (Okay sorry, off topic.)

How could I turn that down? Especially since he was thinking about me and how I was taking it that he was coming, especially since it was super awkward between us at the time.

So I told him he could come if he wanted to, I couldn't turn him down.
And I also told him if it made him feel any better, he could bring along a friend or something.

After school I went home and helped my dad set up. I even texted a bunch of friends to come because of how nervous I was about how the night was going to go...

(Hey I thought I'd end this part cuz of how long it is, the next part is a continuation.)