To Be Honest

It's All in the Journey

Hi I'm Sydney.

If you've clicked on this book, then I'm assuming you've felt or are feeling the same way I am, and what I have explained in the description of this book.

This book is about self esteem, finding yourself, finding joy again, and loving you! I hope that my words may be of some help to you. Let's begin ~~
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It has taken me a long time to get where I am today, it was a long journey.

In a lot of ways, I was a doormat. People would walk all over me and I didn't see it as a bad thing. I saw being the door mat as kindness.

I had the philosophy of kindness is putting others' needs before your own and taking care of others.

It was a struggle to love myself, take care of myself, and accept who I was because I was so caught up in people pleasing, and worrying about other people that I hardly worried about myself and my own needs.

I was always burnt out, frustrated, carrying a low mood and struggled with my self esteem and my confidence. I was constantly angry at myself, but couldn't figure out why.

At a few times in my life, I stopped eating. First it was one meal, then it was two. It was one day a week, and then it became almost everyday of the week.

I continued to feel uneasy, unsure of things. I was tired and sad 24/7, but I couldn't understand why. I felt disconnected from my thoughts and feelings and couldn't quite place why I was feeling the way I was.

It was only till recently that I started to feel a change in direction. For months I was trapped in a dark, troublesome, abyss with no way of escaping.

For months I struggled to eat, sleep, function, and figure out who I truly was. I felt paralyzed, numb, irritated, and each day brought on a headache, feeling dizzy, and unmotivated.

I would go to work without eating, and would feel light headed, and needed to sit down, but I wouldn't. I kept pushing myself to keep going and would get mad at myself for not meeting my expectations.

I am a very ambitious person and take perfection seriously. I wanted so many things for myself. I expected so much from myself.

To be happy 24/7, to be a light and a sturdy rock for others, to work hard and help others. I avoided my feelings and felt uncomfortable talking about them, especially because I wasn't sure how to explain it.

Someone would ask me if I was okay, and  instantly I would say "Yeah." like an automated voice message even if deep down I knew I wasn't okay. I was clearly not okay and my behavior spoke for itself. Yet I kept pushing myself, telling me I was fine, but angry at myself when those emotions came forward.

I constantly was stepping forward filling in others' needs, but ignoring my own. I was caring for my friends who were struggling with similar, but not allowing them to do the same.

I did not want to appear as emotionally and mentally weak. I wanted to appear confident and tough. I wanted to appear like I had it together. I wanted to appear happy, calm, and collected.

Yet deep down, I was none of that. I was the opposite. My confidence was rock bottom, I doubted myself in my abilities, I thought others could do it better, and I worried people would see through that.

I was weak emotionally. I cried myself to sleep a lot of nights and struggled to be mentally stable. Some nights I wouldn't sleep until 1 or 2 a.m. because my thoughts and feelings were too loud.

I turned to music, blasting out my thoughts and feelings and crippling mental state. I turned to comics and books at night or YouTube. During the day I would play videogames and keep away from it all by spending a lot of my time working 2 jobs which added up to almost 40 hours a week and I considered to add more days of work to my lifestyle to help.