To Be Honest

Depression Part 2

Ever randomly think about something extremely embarrassing that happened years ago, something you wish you could forget? Something so awkward and painful to remember but you can't just get rid of?

Well, that's all day. Every day. Except you aren't remembering it, you are living it. Every time you look in the mirror, you feel as though you look horrible, like you did when you were an awkward teenager with a bad haircut and a bad hair day in ugly clothes. It's that "what was I thinking?" feeling every time you get dressed. Sometimes it takes you a good hour to get dressed.  Every interaction you have with people is awkward and oppressive. I should have said this, done that, maybe if I was someone else, I'd get a handle on it. Everything you have, and everything you do you feel is inadequate compared to other people. You just can't get a handle on it. You don't know how.

You understand daily how disgusting it feels to be like you are, and how pathetic it is to wallow in self-misery. It's revolting. And inescapable.

So, you meet these feelings with numbness, and escapism. Because no matter how much it hurts, you can be alone and be free of anymore faux pass's, free of judgement, and free to escape into TV, video games, books, what have you. Whatever you can to not be YOU.

This numbness is met only with the lucidity of self-destruction. Going about your day mumbling in the back of your mind "I hate myself."

And the worst thought can be.. "I should kill myself." Because it's something that can break your endless stream of painful thoughts and questions. You understand, cognitively, that suicide is bad, and wrong, horrible. But the thought is there, following you. You want it, but you can't have it. It's just an unthinkable outcome. The consequences are too dire. Numbness and despair are better than suicide, right? Right?  

Do you remember the dementors from Harry Potter? Imagine having one of those around. That's what depression feels like.

various levels of depression, I think the best way of describing it, is that it feels like extreme apathy. All the things you care about when you feel good, you don't care about anymore. Food doesn't taste like anything. 

For those who care about someone struggling with depression, it can be infuriating because it seems like they're not taking their responsibilities seriously, or adequately assessing the damage they do by blowing shit off. But it's not that way when you're experiencing it--you know you have responsibilities, but you can't do anything about it. This, in many cases, can cause the worst kind of anxiety, because it's like playing chicken with blowing your life up. I suppose there's a level of depression where people don't see their impending doom, but (at least for me) it's always been totally clear to me what I'm doing, but that knowledge just generates more non-productive anxiety which makes me feel less like I have the control that doing something about it requires.

I think this is closest to how I feel. I suffer from chronic depression and anxiety which just feed each other. I'll have something to do but be too depressed, tired and unmotivated to do it. Then the anxiety will build. When it doesn't get done, I feel like crap about myself and that just feeds the depression more. It's like watching the world pass you by and wanting desperately to join it, knowing that there are people who just want you to succeed but being unable to just do anything. It's frustrating and demoralizing and all of that negativity just makes it worse.

You know you should be doing something. You know these kinds of things should be enjoyable. But they're just not anymore. Motivation spans between lacking and nonexistent depending on the day. Emotional numbness and despair, at least to me, both happen. They just trade places every once in a while.

Though I am at stage of recovery, I can tell you that it's a slow battle. Such a dramatic 'switch' change doesn't exist and is one of the reasons why some people get frustrated with depressed people - they expect them to just 'get over it' one day and have it end just like that. (Same goes for PTSD and pretty much any mental illness.)