To Be Honest

Hopelessness

I cried at work yesterday.

It was a long overdue cry to be honest, but it had the worst timing ever.

I went into work exhausted, as usual.. I really need to start working on my sleep patterns.

The night before work, I was out with my friend Maddie who had invited me to hang with some college kids I had never met. I was absolutely terrified, which made me upset with myself because I really wanted to hang, but wasn't sure if I could get myself to.

It's so weird how mental illnesses make your brain control your body. My brain was telling me no, my heart was racing, and my breathing picked up, my brain became scrambled, all because of anxiety.

More specifically, social anxiety.

At work, it was a domino effect. I started to cry because I felt underappreciated. I was working my butt off, getting on people for slacking, doing multiple jobs, and making sure we had meat, beans, and rice (I work at a taco restaurant) ready to use. I was on top of everything, yet everyone was being lazy and not very helpful.

I left the jobs for them to do, hoping they'd get their acts together while I did very much needed dishes. I left myself to my own thoughts... which led to me crying.

I felt as though none of them cared and I felt so alone. Then the tumble began, I hadn't cried all week over some pretty crazy life changing events that were challenging and quite upsetting. I had been holding it all in, trying to keep myself together. I cried a little on the phone on Wednesday when I was talking to my friend. I was stressing about weeks to come and events that wouldn't take place for a little while.

And then struggling with depression for months on end, years on end, was the last straw. I broke.

I began to cry like I never had before. I couldn't hold it back anymore. It's been so hard..

It made me wonder if my life would ever get better.

It made me wonder if I could ever beat this.

It made me wonder if I could ever overcome these horrible life events..

I tried to hide the tears, but it was no use.

I couldn't stop crying, it felt like my life was tumbling down, that I could never experience hope and happiness.

I felt hopeless..

I felt I was a failure, that I was stuck in place while everyone else is successful and succeeding in their career paths, going to college, hanging with friends, and going on religious missions.

I wanted to go on a religious mission so bad.. but they recommended I don't because of my depression and anxiety.

I've been dealing with social anxiety and depression since elementary school, and it's controlled my life.. I've missed out on so many experiences because of it.. and I always thought something was just wrong with me.

I went to my parents, but they refused therapy and stuff because they didn't think I had mental illnesses and came off as depression and anxiety don't really exist and everyone struggles a little with them so it's not that big of a deal and you should be able to work through it yourself.

It made me feel worse.. and because I planned to go on a mission, they finally started to take it seriously because the specialist diagnosed me with depression and wouldn't recommend a mission.

Now I'm at the point where I don't know what to do with myself, I'm terrified to take medications and scared it'll affect my body badly.

I'm terrified to go into therapy, I don't like to open up to people, I don't like to ask for help, I've been fighting through this on my own for years..

Here I was anyway, I have a therapy appointment on Tuesday this coming week. (today is Sunday).

I just want to get relief.. I don't want to die yet, but I don't find joy in living.. everyday is the same, and waking up is so hard.. repeating each day..

This is becoming too much for me.. and I don't know how to fix it!