To Be Honest

Thoughts #3

i really should be putting dates on here.. date: 9. .23.

Been a few years since I've written here!!

A lot has happened in my life, and I think it's time to give everyone an update on even more things I have learned.

I never wrote about Ty in here and I never wrote about some life changing experiences.

Just this summer, I was physically assaulted. The person that did that to me, thought it was funny. They laughed about it and wondered if I had cried about it afterwards. They threw the most heart piercing insults at me and walked away as if they hadn't done anything, gaslighting the whole situation. People were skeptical it even happened, but I had someone there with me that had witnessed it and that someone was being attacked as well until I spoke up and said something.

In the past I was ridiculed, unwanted, disliked, and bullied. It started to happen late elementary and from then on, it was hard for me to do anything about it. I talked back some times, but it was as if everybody not involved took their side and didn't think they were doing anything wrong.

All the while, I was hurting. I hurt for 12 years of my life and had to see them constantly. It was only just this summer I've finally been able to get away from them as I moved away to start a new.

My traumas of the past are still quite fresh and impact me quite frequently by triggers and such. I went to therapy for a year after I was diagnosed and worked through my awful memories through EMDR. It was helpful, but painful. The memories hurt, but what is worse, is the feelings I remember having back in that moment.

I'm doing a bit better now, but after having EMDR, it had opened memories back up and I had nightmares and night terrors for a few weeks. I eventually worked through it, but even now it sometimes comes back.

I'm sad quite often, I don't choose to be. I'm anxious quite often, I also don't choose to be. Depression and anxiety aren't me, they may be a part of me but it's harder to control, if you will, than you think. I have extremely bad social anxiety.

why? because of bad experiences, because of my speech impediment, and because of adhd. It's hard for my brain to wrap itself around ideas and concepts long enough to talk about them and put my thoughts into words.

My mind goes blank under pressure and I'm a deep thinker, I tend to need a bit of time to form the right words I want to say. Many people find this incredibly difficult to believe, but that's fine, they can believe what they want.

Which is why writing tends to be my stronger suit. I'm not on the spot when I write, I don't have someone staring into my eyes waiting for me to say something. I'm better at speaking to those I've known for a long time, those who I feel safe and comfortable with that I don't care so much about messing up.

If I feel safe with whoever I am talking to, words come easier and I'm not worrying so much about things and focus solely on the conversation.

I've been teased a lot of my years growing up, and so it's difficult to break habits and mindset, but my goal is to move passed this some day.

it's hard to explain all this when i can't stay locked on a single thought. and it's frustrating!!!

i'm not sure how to move past this. I wish I had intelligent things to say, but I feel as though I don't. Feel is the keyword. Things only become true when we start to believe in them.

I think a big thing to consider is your confidence. Self-esteem, your self concept & how you perceive yourself. Do you love yourself? Be patient with yourself!

Anyway, I'll end here. The next part will be a discussion about my therapy experience and more solutions I have learned to help cope with all of this.

- Sydney out