How to Save the World and Other Illegal Shenanigans

The Terrible Misadventures of Alex & Jack And Nothing Else, Vol. 1

And said teeth weren't just on his neck, they were in it.

Jack sighed.

"Can we not do that tonight, love?"

Alex pulled away quickly, shocked by her actions, and also by Jack's completely nonchalant tone. Blood rolled down his exposed chest in torrents, briefly soaking through his longer dark hair. It stained his white blouse with ease, and even in the shadows, Alex could see all of it just fine. She quickly wiped her mouth.

"I'm sorry, you're just--"

"Yes, I know, I get that a lot," he dismissed. He stepped off the wall and gestured to his neck. "But, really? This?"

"What, am I supposed to starve? What do you want me to do?"

"Pick someone else! God, you'll just keep draining me and draining me, over and over again. At least pick someone who can die!"

Alex was aghast. Her mind cut back to Jack lying on the floor in the tavern, neck totally bent the wrong way. She pointed a finger at him convictively. "You were dead an hour ago! Don't lecture me on this!"

"Miss, I'm simply giving you tips," Jack said. "Don't you want advice from someone who's been there already?"

At this point, Alex was so confused she didn't know what to say. Slowly, she replied, "You're a vampire too?"

Jack looked at her as though he was going to say yes, as though he was going to make a romantic moment over their mutual supernatural existence. Instead, he just doubled over, wheezing with laughter.

"Absolutely not!" He managed to get out. He leans against the side of the building to support his racking bouts of laughter. Alex frowns. "Oh, no, that sounds terrible! And the teeth?" He pulls to fingers up and points them down out of his mouth, mimicking Alex's bloody fangs. "Wow, that sounds like a miserable life."

"Then what are you supposed to be, Jack?"

Alex crossed her arms, peeved by his attitude.

He sobers, then salutes as he says, "Zacarioth The Terrible, at your service. Demon extraordinaire. World-wide phenomenon. National best seller."

In addition to crossing her arms, Alex cocks her hip and raises an eyebrow. The silence between them is full of expectation. She can't tell if he wants her to applaud or kneel at his feet or ask for an autograph. He's definitely got that sort of ego, though.

"Yeah, tough luck with that, Mr. Terrible."

He dropped his shoulders and groaned. "I really don't understand what's so hard to get about this."

"Maybe it's the fact that you're named Jack like some sort of simpleton. And you look like a noble, not a demon. The least you can do is appear to be a demon. To the best of my knowledge, demons don't dance in bars. They eat the people in the bars."

Jack looked at her like he had just come up with the greatest idea, one that would revolutionize the world as they knew it. Alex's stomach dropped, ashamed that she would be the one to put that wacky grin on his face. She reached out to grab his arm, but he was already tearing around the corner and running inside. As quickly as she could she bunched up her skirts and followed him in, but it was too late.

Jack stood on top of the bar disappointedly, hands on his hips, looking down on the room as a disappointed parent looked down on their kid. It was pretty quiet, seeing as everyone was sprawled out on the floor in varying degrees of deadness. Alex's mouth dropped.

She looked at the floor.

Then up to Jack.

Then back at the floor again.

Then up at Jack once more.

"That wasn't as fun as I thought it'd be," Jack said.

"You weren't actually supposed to do it!" Alex scolded. Her hands flew to her head. How were they supposed to cover this up? It's impossible.

On top of the bar, Jack sighed. "I thought killing these people would've made them realize who I am," he said. "But it just made them dead."

He leapt down with ease, grabbing two bottles of some old liquor from behind the bar. He tiptoed around the mess before stopping in front of Alex in the doorway. They made eye contact. Alex noticed the wound at his neck, and all of the crusty blood on his shirt. Oops, she thought. My bad. She held no regrets, though.

"I'd recommend drinking all of this in the next twenty minutes," Jack said as he pressed a bottle into her arms. "You won't remember anything by morning."

"How... can I even get drunk? Is that possible?"

"Trust me, darling," Jack said as he strode out the door, already popping the bottle open. "Anything's possible if you put your mind to it."

And that's what Alex is pretty sure happened the first time she met Jack And Nothing Else.