I don't understand you anymore...

Healing.

Healing from bullying can take a long time. It's not about how long ago that the bully bullied you but length of time & also what they said or did. It's harder to express how you feel because others will just tell you " let it go", " it wasn't even that bad", " move on already. Why you clinging onto the past?"

It's harder to do this because the bully has taken away that self esteem, made you self blame yourself, affected your daily life including things like decisions and how you deal with people now and how people may treat you in the future.

How you deal with them.

It's not about moving on.
It's about healing wounds that are still healing. They are open and like any wound need to be closed or have a plaster applied to them in order to start the healing process.

This is what I think of the bullying I went through. I moved on in some aspects such as my mental health well being is a lot better , I'm happier and I want to help others who've gone or are going through the same thing.

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7 months, a boy called Noah appeared in my life. We had been friends for a year or so but not really spoken much.

He wanted to make new friends and wanted to get to know me. He called P. I called him N. We had nicknames already. I wanted a nickname always. A proper one.

The first day we met after a year was that he came over to mine. He wanted to cuddle me, he said he felt lonely at that point with everything.
I wasn't sure at first as I hadn't cuddled anyone before then. I accepted it. It was 7 months after I had endured the bullying from my so called best friend. Maybe it'll be nice to concentrate on something else for a while.

We went back to mine, to watch a movie and have some time to talk.

We caught up on everything we missed. I told him about my college course and how that was going. He told me about his work and how that was going for him.

He asked if I wanted to cuddle him. I was awkward and didn't know how. So I decided to lie on his chest. He was warm, radiating off this heat. He was like a hot water bottle and was comfy. So I was beginning to feel sleepy. We watched a film and then he nodded off.

Everything felt calm. He was calm and so was I. I wasn't really worried about anything.

We had planned to go to London the next day.

That was another day planned out. I was really excited!

We messaged each other that night. Talking about going where and what we wanted to do! We had planned a lot of things to do that week.

He seem sweet and caring. He wanted to know more about me and I wanted to know more about him. I knew we would be very close.

We had a nice day in my home town, he was really funny. He complained he was tired as we walked about town.

I felt a sort of freeness, I wasn't worried about what was going on. I wasn't thinking back to my past. I felt normal. I felt like the world was at peace.

The next day:

We met each other a 12 and we decided to go to Hyde park. We walked through that, I found it difficult to walk because of disabilities. He kept checking on me making sure that I was okay to walk and said if I wanted he give me a piggyback.

We went to area where there was water, called serpentine. We sat down and I snuggled into him. He put his arm around me. He was warm like was yesterday. I felt reassured and relaxed. I wasn't worried. I felt anxious today a bit but I felt better after a while. I just didn't sleep properly that night. I was just too excited!