I don't understand you anymore...

Summer Of Destruction.

This is where she got a whole lot worst .

Authors note: during this point in my life I was mentally well and some info has been deleted in my Memories but also on my socials.

July: text messages
Before I went on holiday via snapchat

" hello" - Poppy
" Hi" - Livi
" how are you" - Poppy
" good you?" - Livi
" just a little anxious" - Poppy
" again?" - Livi
" yeah " - Poppy
" why don't you actually try being more positive for once?" - Livi
" it's easier said than done you know" - Poppy
" accept you are always like this. You don't care about other people - Livi
" yes I do " - Poppy
" no you don't" - Livi
" I'm not doing this again" - Poppy
" You are selfish all the time. You don't change. You make things about you all the time. You are negative and who would want to be friends with you?" - Livi
" I'm just anxious not negative" - Poppy
" it's not real and you know that. Why do you label yourself?" - Livi
" I'm not labelling myself" - Poppy
" yes you are" - Livi
" You are nothing but immature negative little girl. So selfish. Why can't you think about me for once?" - Livi
" I do! I do! A lot more than you think!" - Poppy
" I'm done, talk to you tommorrow" - Livi

In the morning day I go on holiday:
" You finish being anxious?" - Livi
" yeah better thanks" - Poppy
" why you being so blunt" - Livi
" just not in the mood" - Poppy
" oh I see negative again!" - Livi
". I'm not in the mood!!" - Poppy
" yeah. Selfish little girl" - Livi
" I'm going on holiday. That's why. Bye" - Poppy
I couldn't handle her anymore but maybe I needed this break.
From her.
Why did I feel so anxious more than usual?

It started the first night in Ireland. The place was at. That night I laid in bed feeling body being swallowed by the covers, feeling like my whole body was being held down, trembling to myself as my teeth chatter, this sick queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and my mind beginning to show flashbacks of those messages turning them into daggers. My heart pounding, I cried trying to stop myself from panicking and then I had to run. I called for help and my mother came running as she saw me flailing around the house crying. It happen repeatedly the panic attacks but not until the second day before we went back did it start again and this time there be no stopping it.

Midnight:

The same panicked feeling started but this voice maybe my own thoughts began to scream at me " it's your fault she's like that" , " it's selfish to feel like this" and " hurt yourself"

I dug my nails into my chest pulling at the skin watching as the soft skin peeled off my chest and blood trickled out.

Help me...
I called out but no one came. No one heard me.

I kept hitting myself on my chest watching as skin stuck to my clothes. The panic rising and rising. This pressure just making me feel like I had no option.

I was trapped inside. I couldn't move or escape. Terrified.  I didn't sleep, I restlessly walked around the room and gasping for air as I felt the panic again take over me.

Morning came and the family wanted to travel for 2 hour up the coast. I tried to tell them that this wouldn't end well.
I tried to tell them...

We got in the car and I could feel the queasy feeling rise again and I began to cry. The voice screamed at me, my thoughts tumbled and tossed around in my head like a tornado.

My mum got cross with me. My brother yelled at me. My dad huffed. Everyone was annoyed with me while I sat there crying and crying. This unrelenting pain scorching me throughout the journey. The cuts on my chest weeping and were cut deep into my chest. The worst I ever done. The worst I'll ever do.

I cried all the way there until eventually I had to go to the hospital. The doctor saw me as panic died down, he gave me these calming pills as he called them saying this will help me sleep until I got home to see the GP.

The panic was still there until I found a way to cope, the cold air blasting at my face made me feel better unlike the hot air in the car that made feel like the car was imprisoning me.

The panic attack / mental break down subsided eventually and the next day I was exhausted but yet that day was the best. I spent the day in a small town with my dad while my brother and mum went for a small trip.

That was caused by everything Livi kept saying to me. No matter what she did, I could always forgive her. I couldn't accept the person she was today
- this was the end of the summer up until September -

Authors note: my account dealing with a mental breakdown. The feelings are real.