I don't understand you anymore...

September. The end but not the end.

Livi had gone for a while until we reconnected. I clung onto the person I knew not the person I didn't understand.

I wanted her back but yet she knew my weakness, she knew how to play me. She knew how to hurt me.

I let her back in. Weak from her bullying over the summer and loneliness that I felt. I let her back in. I let her be my friend again.

I had always found it odd how our friendship was controlled as it was business relationship rather than two best friends. It was if I couldn't speak to her when I wanted to.

The first message, she wanted to start afresh but wanted to take one step at a time as which didn't relate to anything i had said previously which was about college but she was thinking about our friendship and how she wanted it.

I was only allowed to speak to her on a specific time as well, like I wasn't really that important.

SHE SAID THAT WE HAD A LIFE OUTSIDE OF FRIENDSHIP. Livi acted like i meant nothing to her, like I was only there if she wanted something from me and only at certain time. I wasn't part of her life anymore. My self harm was worse and I couldn't stop myself. I wanted nothing more than to be her friend but I couldn't understand why I was so wrong or what I did to make her do this to me.

I tried to make her see that it was just too formal and that I make time for all my other friends but it was like she thought I was anxious about it when I wasn't.

Livi didn't want to post anything about me and seem reluctant to when I asked her why or if she could not that I wanted to show our friendship off but it be nice to see others see our friendship too. I don't why I felt this was so important.

Livi made it clear that it was wrong to even have friends at school or college saying that it was all about the work although friends come after coursework, I felt her viewpoint was wrong. I feel this dark cloud above my head.

She talked about reflecting about her life and how I could reflect on what happened. It felt like it was all my fault, like I was part of this hatred she had for me.

THEN IT BEGAN AGAIN BUT MAYBE I STARTED IT. MAYBE I WAS AT FAULT. I wanted her to be honest and genuine when she apologised to me but little things seemed like she didn't care at all about how i felt. was it selfish?

Message 5th september 2017

I told her how I felt how she treated me the last time and how I felt about it but I apparently couldn't be upset about it neither could she.

The first time, I don't know what was going on but out of the blue, you was having a right go at me, to the point I went into school feeling sick and exhausted and second time you just replied to me feeling anxious about wanting to die although it was a panic attack about my brother, you replied cruelly and I was just feeling low. - Poppy

The first time, I thought it was your fault, even though I acted in that manner too, I thought you were the one to blame. I saw it as both of us causing the problem as I remember feeling so down but I would take on your issues and also your friends as well. I would help you but I felt at theme I didn't like the way you responded. You drained me mentally. Not anymore because I'm so much better at dealing with those situations - Livi

The second time, I didn't really think it was nasty. I inductee even type it as you know it was truthful tho. - Livi

I didn't drain you mentally! You could've just said" Sorry Poppy. Do you mind if we don't talk about this as I feel low" and you didn't say that? I'm confused. - Poppy