Choose Me

Deep in Thought

*Stef*

She told me she loved me, but I don't know what that even means. Could it be that she loves me as in a best friend kind of love? I don't know. All I know is the way I felt as her velvety smooth body glided easily against mine, and how she felt: her muscles, soft curls, satin skin. All of that and more has a way of fucking with my mind. I don't know how I got onto that plane. I don't know how I managed to make it Sacramento and look Ren in the eyes. How did I kiss her lips then pretend to be on my monthly cycle so should wouldn't try to sleep with me? But I didn't tell Lena any of this. I didn't tell her how Ren knew something was terribly wrong. That she actually confronted me before I got onto the plane, and how we got into a huge fight leaving us without saying goodbye.

*Flashback*

"Look at me, Stef!" she pleads as she takes my hand, and I don't jerk away from her grasp. "Do you even care about me anymore? Even the tiniest bit? Why can't you just answer me?"

I sigh as I struggle to make eye contact. This is harder than I imagined. This really is, and the more I prolong this, the harder it will be. Yet what holds me back is the unknown when it comes to Lena. She has Amber, and I didn't hear her telling me that she was going to break it off with her. Not that I expect her to do so, but I feel kind of hurt that she didn't say it and that she didn't try to stop me from leaving on Friday.

"This is a HUGE commitment, Ren. Uprooting my job, my entire life! My friends! I need time to think about it. Don't you understand even a tiny bit?"

She abruptly lets go of my hand as she shakes her head, her face turning several shades of red. "No. I really don't understand. We had this whole weekend planned for months, and you didn't even sleep with me! Sure it's your time, but we're new! It's fresh! It could've still happened! But do you even care? Do you?"

"Where is this coming from Caren?" I use her whole name and watch as her eyes darken with anger.

"DON'T call me that! You know I hate it!"

"Sorry! REN!"

By now we are both shouting inside this huge airport, and I realize it as I meet the eyes of a little girl with pigtails and a sucker. Her eyes widen and she ducks behind her mother's arm.

"Look, just give me time to think, okay?" I run my hand gently down her arm as I step closer. She is right about one thing: I am struggling big time, and I'm only with her because she's fun and I think I can learn to care about her. I'm in love with Lena, but she can't ever know.

She bites her lower lip as she sighs. "Stef..."

My heart is beginning to pound. This is harder than I thought it would be. She shakes her head and whispers hoarsely, "Stef, please don't do this..."

I sigh now in frustration. Yelling didn't work. Being gentle didn't work. And I hear my plane boarding over the loud speaker. "I have to go. I'll talk to you soon." I lean in to kiss her lips, but she pulls away and begins storming off before I can even blink.

I try to call after her, but she doesn't turn around. And as I board the plane, all I can think about is that I am alone once again.

*Flashback Ends*

I did try to text Ren as the plane was in the air, and I purchased WiFi just so I could try. I told her I'd uproot my life and move in with her, but not until January. But she never replied. And as I pack up my apartment, I wonder what in fuck's sake I'm doing. Why am I trying to follow through with this? I've lost her. We just weren't meant to be! Yet, I stood in front of Lena and told her that it was happening, and not to be alarmed over the course of the next several months if she comes over and sees boxes here and there, as packing will be slow between work and more work.

Maybe I thought that Lena would be pushed into making a decision. But it's now the middle of November, and each and every time I see her, everything remains the same: like it was before we slept together. She flirts with me lightly. She kisses my cheek...she even lingers every now and again as if she is longing. But she doesn't make a move. I'm all out of moves. I was the one to make the last move towards her which lead to us fucking and making love into the wee hours of the morning before I would fly out to meet my girlfriend.

Speaking of: why is Ren now ghosting me? Is she really that immature that she won't talk about it? I haven't heard from her in WEEKS! Are we too old to be pulling this kind of shit? What in the actual fuck is happening right now in my life? WHAT?

I groan as I toss a few books into a box and storm towards my fridge. I'm out of beer, too!!!!!!! I squeeze my eyes shut and growl before heading towards my front door where I scoop my keys out of the bowl and storm out of my apartment. By god, I'm going for beer! At least I have control over that!

*************

**Do you feel Stef's frustration? Do you think she's making good decisions?**