Ashton: You try to regulate your breathing by inhaling and exhaling deeply which looks a little weird but you couldn’t care less. Actually, that’s not true, not at all. You care. You do care a lot, too much for it to be normal. And not matter how often you get told not to care, you still do. Although you know how stupid it is you can’t help yourself. What makes you even care more is the fact that your boyfriend is on the band 5 seconds of summer. Since you are Ashton Fletcher Irwin’s girlfriend you think it is your responsibility not to get in the centre of any kind of bad publicity and not to humiliate him. It’s not easy for you as it would be for someone 'normal'. Your anxiety makes it even worse for you to be in crowds. Ashton is very supportive of everything that has to do with you and always makes sure that you are fine and insists on helping you with everything. He is clearly the strong one in your relationship and protects you. That of course bothers you to no end and you don’t want to be 'weak'. Of course it’s easier said than done. The crowd that is around Ashton most of the time makes you a nervous wreck and it’s the worst when he gets mobbed and you’re with him. But even being near a crowd is enough to freak you out, just like now. You are backstage at the boys concert and all the screaming girls are making you nervous. It was hell for you to go through that crowd and get backstage. Some of the fans look at you sometimes and even call your name. You want to go there and meet them but you’re too shy. So you just ignore them and act as if you don’t see them. That of course makes you have a bad conscience and you think about how the fans must hate you. You try to fight the negative thoughts but it’s not easy. After a while you realize the trembling of your hands and grip them in each other tightly. The fear of having a panic attack arises in you and you try to concentrate on your breathing. With that you notice how uneven it is and start panicking. Relax, Y/N. Relax, you tell yourself but don’t make it. Oh god! You’re messing it up, again. These thoughts and many others rush through your mind and make it impossible for you to calm down. You see the boys on stage, Calum, Michael and Luke jumping around and Ashton sat on his stool, drumming, but looking in your direction. You force a smile and when he turns around you go away as fast as you can, in a random room that just so happened to be unlocked. Now everything around you spinning and you take a seat in the corner of the room, of which you can’t even guess what it is for. You try to even your breathing and get frustrated when you don’t make it. All the feelings suddenly being too much for you make tears stream down your face. In a matter of seconds you are a sobbing and shaking bundle, pressed against the wall. One of the only thing that can now help you is Ashton but you refuse to call him because you want to make it without. You don’t want to bother him the whole time and you hate being that weak in front of him. While he can handle his family, his bandmates, his fans and you, you can’t even calm down from a panic attack. You always admire Ashton for home strong he is and don’t understand why he would date you. Suddenly, you feel a pair of hands shaking you and look up to see Ashton standing there, who immediately takes a seat next to you and brings you onto his lap when he sees you crying. You snuggle deep into him, reliefed that he is here. “Shhh, it’s okay, Y/N,” Ashton whispers soothingly and rubs your back up and down. He pulls you back a little so he can look into your eyes and cups your cheeks. “Hold your breath for a while. Try to hold it,” he mutters, kissing your cheek, and you obey, following his order. You hide your face in the crook of his neck and give yourself time to relax and calm down, immediately being ashamed when you are because Ashton yet again had to leave something he was doing to help you. You pull back and ignore the confused look of Ashton and wipe your tears away. “You should go back now. Everyone is waiting,” you whisper, your voice hoarse from all the crying. “For how long have you been crying here?” he asks and wraps his arms protectively around you when he feels you tensing up in them. “Y/N, answer,” Ashton demands softly. “I don’t know,” you choke out, the lump forming in your throat making it hard for you to talk. Ashton sighs and shakes his head. “Why won’t you ever call me? Do you not want me to help you?” “I just want to make it on my own and not be so weak and such a burden to you and I…” “Wait, what?” Ashton interrupts you and looks at you bewildered. “You are not, and I’ll repeat it, NOT a burden. Don’t ever say that again,” he adds firmly before you can say something. He sighs deeply when he sees how small you are in his arms and rubs your lower lip with his thumb softly when he sees how hard you are biting on it. You understand his action and release your lip, allowing Ashton to peck it soothingly. “I…I just hate being that weak. If I can’t handle a panic attack how can I handle other stuff? You are so strong and I can’t even handle a crowd and a panic attack.” “I love you, Y/N,” he whispers and looks you deep into the eyes. “I am only strong because I have you. Otherwise it wouldn’t be that way. I want to help you and I want to be there for you. And by the way, your anxiety got worse because of me and the fans so that is the least I could do. Promise me you’ll come to me every time when you need something.” You sigh and cuddle into his arms. “Okay,” you mutter against his neck and press a lingering kiss to it. “You should go,” you suggest after a while. “No. I’m staying.” “The boys need you, the fans want you and I want you to rock the stage. And I am fine now, thanks to you. So, come on.” He stands up sighing and pulls you into him, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead. Ashton tells you to stay in the room for a while to make sure that you are fully calmed down before you go back to watching him on stage.
