Vulnerability

~11~

I unlock the door to my dorm room after fidgeting with my keys amid my frenzy. Once I get the door open, I quickly get onto the other side of it, slamming my back against it. The door shuts with the force coming from my dense body.

Fuck, I hope no one complains about how loud that shit was.

With my back pressed up against the polished wooden door, weakness consumes my legs. They shake and falter beneath me, leaving me helpless. My back slides down against the door as my bottom crashes onto the floor. The thud catches me off guard briefly before I pull my fragile legs into my chest, ultimately cradling my entire body. My long, lanky arms encase my legs in a tight embrace as if they are all I have to comfort me.

As if on cue, the memories, or what I call nightmares, begin to flood in like a raging tsunami.

"Mommy! P-please! I won't do it again!" A child shrieks as they run down the hallway trying to escape the wrath of their mother.

Seven-year-old Julian slipped past the door of her room and immediately shut the door behind her thinking that would stop the woman chasing her. The little girl sprints to the corner of the room hidden by the petite twin-sized bed and cradles herself as if that will comfort her. Her last chance at protection was this hiding spot because she couldn't bear any more beatings. Her smaller body was fragile.

Chills run up and down my spine at the sensation of being in that room again. I can sense cold air coming out through the A/C vent right above my hiding spot. I had always looked at the events from the outside in as if Julian wasn't me.

Unfortunately, that little girl was me. Julian Halls.

I heard the door clink and rattle like a scene of a horror movie and I knew that my plan wasn't going to work out so well.

There was nowhere I could go. I couldn't escape. I couldn't run. I was trapped within the confines of my own home. The place one is supposed to feel the most secure and safe.

The door finally busts open after a few impetuous attempts from my mother. Once her presence filled the room, I made eye contact with her unfamiliar honey-brown eyes, trying to assemble a final plea. Trying to bring my mother back to me. Back to reality.

After a while, it became apparent that would be of no use, as her honey-brown eyes only reflected darkness. I couldn't even see my reflection in her eyes as she stepped closer towards me.

She pulled the looped brown leather belt from behind her back like a fucked up magic trick. I swallowed hard as the familiar piece of leather brought back an influx of horrifying, excruciating memories.

I couldn't move. I froze in the corner trying not to be seen. My throat dried up and my body began convulsing.

"Julian get your ass up right now!" She screamed, her voice booming through the walls of the empty, hollow house.

I flinched at her words and gradually rose from my position on the floor. I slowly walked towards my mother as if I was getting ready to walk the plank on a pirate ship. Once I stood a mere five feet away from her, I immediately got into the position knowing that if I didn't, the intensity of my punishment would increase.

I faced the sand-colored wall as I sat up on my knees. I removed my navy blue spaghetti strap tank top, completely exposing my bareback. My mother hovered behind me, carrying an intimidating and sinister aura as I glanced over my shoulder to attempt one last plea. The tears unknowingly began to form. My fingers trembled as I twirled them with one another in an attempt to distract myself from what was to come.