Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one that drives down the interstate and imagines what it would be like to steer just a little to the right and crash through the guardrails or drive off the side of a cliff, maybe hit a tree or two while going eigh...
The last time Axel and I spoke, I was crying and cursing Wes' name. Now I'm sitting before him, Wes' hand still on my knee as I place my own hand on top of it, not only in an effort to calm my insecurities, but because I want to - because I like the way it makes me feel.
"I've been good, I'm actually thinking about going job hunting this week and maybe enrolling in some classes."
"That's great. I'm actually finishing my degree at the University." He seems so happy and proud of himself - and it's obvious that McKenna is just as, if not more proud of him. "Is that where you're thinking of enrolling?"
"I'm actually thinking of starting out at the community college, to kind of ease in to it and take things slow. Getting overwhelmed or stressed could..." I don't finish my sentence, there's no need to. Axel gets it, he knows that there are triggers, things that I need to avoid or ease in to so that I don't back track. A few nights ago when Wes and I were discussing this very topic, he understood too - and I'm glad that no one thinks I'm overreacting or acting insane about this.
"What about you, McKenna? Do you go to school too?" Wes asks, steering the conversation away from me for the time being.
"I'm taking some courses to become an EMT. I'm almost done with my training. What about you?"
"No college for me. I'm actually a musician." McKenna's entire face lights up at Wes' response and I remember Axel talking about how much she loves music when he told me about her in Willmore.
I nudge Wes in the side with my elbow, "Don't be so modest." I turn back to McKenna, "He's in the band, Early Morning, and they're amazing. Wes is the vocalist and he writes all of their songs."
"Really? I've never heard of your band, but that's so cool, Wes." Wes smiles the same awkward and slightly embarrassed smile that he always does when someone compliments him and his band. Axel also comments about how cool it is that Wes is in a band just as our food arrives.
Once our waiter is gone McKenna asks, "Does your band have any gigs coming up?"
"We're playing at this place called The Barn next weekend, it's the first show we've done in awhile since I had to take some time off and we had to get a new drummer." His eyes flick to me for a second at the mention of Otto. I still don't know the full story on why Otto was kicked out of the band, but something tells me it has to do with me, Wes' temper, and Otto's famous crude comments.
"You guys should come. I'm always alone while Wes is on stage, you can keep me company." McKenna quickly accepts my invitation and I'm glad, because I think she's someone I could really benefit from befriending.
For the rest of lunch we talk more about Early Morning, how McKenna and Axel met, how Wes and I met, Axel's job and classes, my mending relationship with my parents and my plans to start school and job hunt. It was nice to be out and around other people, enjoying the day and the company. I've never really done this - Bran is the only person I've ever really hung out with and gone to lunch with, and that was always because she would annoy me until I dragged my lethargic self out of bed and go out with her. Even with Bran though, it was different - I was never really present or interested in the conversation or environment.
As we're leaving the restaurant, Wes and McKenna are deep in conversation about their new found shared taste in music, so Axel takes the opportunity to quietly ask, "So I take it that things are better with Wes now?"
I don't even try to hide the smile that spreads across my face as I look from Wes, who is a good distance ahead of us now, to Axel. "I was wrong about him. I think I was wrong about all of it."
With a smile that says he knows exactly what I mean, he looks towards McKenna, "It's like I said, it takes dying to see that you want to live."
"And it takes someone loving you when you don't love yourself to make you realize you're not fucked up and worthless." I repeat the words Axel had said in one of our last group sessions together.
"So when are you going to tell him?"
"Tell him what?" We're getting closer to where Wes and McKenna are waiting for us, and I look up at Axel, lost as to what he's talking about.
"That you love love him."
My phone vibrates in the pocket of my sweater and I wrap my hand around it as I stare at Axel, open mouthed and in shock at what he just said. "What...how do you know?" We're close enough now that the others can hear us, so I keep my voice low.
Axel laughs at my reaction, "It's obvious, Luna." Then without another word to me, he looks to McKenna, "Ready, Kenny?"
"Ready."
We all say our goodbyes and promise to see each other next weekend at The Barn before getting into our cars and heading in different directions, Axel's words echoing in my mind. It's obvious, Luna.
Is it really obvious? Can everyone see the way I feel about Wes as if it's written on my face - can Wes see it?
My phone vibrates again and I pull it out of my pocket, having completely forgotten about the notification from before. Wes keeps his eyes on the road, the silence between us comfortable as his hand rests on my knee. I see a screen full of Instagram notifications when I press the home button on my phone and I break the silence in the car, "Did you post a picture of me?"
"Maybe." He flashes me the smile that had me hooked on him from the start, and even though my heart is beating a little bit faster now, I roll my eyes at him as if he has no effect on me.
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WTucker hey @lunahayes, you're beautiful and I love you. :)
