Under the Influence ✔

8.

"Hey, Luna, wait up!" 

I turn to see Axel jogging down the hallway towards me. I don't want to stop and wait for him, but I do - all part of my "cooperating". I pull at the sleeves of my sweater as I wait for Axel to catch up to me. I swear when I get out of here I will never wear the color grey again. 

We walk towards group together and I can tell Axel wants to say something, but he keeps quiet until we're almost to the empty room where group is held everyday, "I'm sorry for what I said yesterday. "

"Don't be. You meant what you said, so don't apologize just because I got upset." I don't look at him, but I can tell from his silence that he's rolling my words over in his head and trying to figure out how to respond.

"Okay, you're right. I'm not sorry I said it, I'm just sorry that it upset you."

"Apology accepted." I give him a brief, fake smile that I've mastered over the years and the two of us enter the room where the rest of the group is already seated in a circle. Axel and I take the two empty seats left, next to Max and a girl named Lily who only arrived last week. 

I look around the circle of people, noticing Shannon folding a napkin around her second cookie, saving it for after she speaks today. Max has his head down and I think he might be asleep, while Lily is scratching her arms and her eyes are nervously flicking around the room as if looking for an escape. 

Donnie clears his throat and all eyes snap in his direction as he welcomes us to the session. "Today we're going to talk about our last high." 

I can hear the sharp intake of breath by more than one person in the circle, and so does Donnie. "I know this can be a rough topic, so you don't have to talk if you don't want to, but just know that it can be really beneficial for your recovery." 

After a few minutes, Shannon decides to get it over with and is the first to speak up. She tells us about her fourth overdose and how her son was the one to find her, he's six years old and he called 911 for her. The entire time she speaks she keeps her eyes down, as usual, and when she talks about the heroin, there's more love in her voice than I've ever heard when she talks about her kids. 

Grant is next, he says his last high was horrible - it hadn't even kicked in before he was dragged to rehab, which ruined the whole experience for him. 

Max last got high with his friends in his basement, then his mom came home and found him. She told his dad and they raided his room, which is when they found his stash. 

"Axel, would you like to share?" Donnie's eyes are on Axel, and for the first time, Axel looks nervous. He seems to think about the question for a long time, arguing with himself in his head, but finally he nods and begins.

"My last high was an overdose...It was after my mom's funeral. She was...she was murdered by my dealer, which is another long story, but anyway...I couldn't cope, I couldn't handle my emotions so I left in the middle of the funeral and spent a week or more couch surfing and getting high all day." He pauses and looks around the room, but it's like he's not there, his mind somewhere else.

"I was self destructing, I told my girlfriend I didn't want her, that I loved drugs more than her - which wasn't true, but I needed her to give up on me. When I overdosed, she was all I saw. I thought I wanted to die, I thought I deserved my addiction, I thought I was toxic...but when the time came to actually die, I wanted a future and I wanted her, I wanted to get better and get back to who I used to be. So, that's why I'm here." He turns and looks right at me, his hazel eyes staring intently at me as I listen to him speak, "It took dying to make me realize I wanted to live, and it took someone caring about me when I didn't care about myself to make me see that I'm not as fucked up and worthless as I think I am."

I knew what he was doing, he was trying to make me see that I'm not in this alone, that I'm not the only one that feels the way I do. He's been in my shoes, or so he thinks, and he's trying to get me to open up and admit that I want to get better, that I hate my addiction. 

"Luna, would you like to share?" Donnie is looking at me expectantly, aware of my agreement to cooperate. 

I tear my eyes away from Axel, "My last high was also an overdose. I had a fight with...with my friend and so I wanted to forget. I took a handful of pills because all I wanted to do was sleep and forget that the day had ever happened. I don't think I was trying to kill myself, but the doctors made it seem that way when I woke up in the hospital. My parents admitted me here." I shrug as if it's no big deal, even though I'm internally screaming, trying to stop myself from remembering that night - when Wes found me. 

"Luna! No! Nonono, Luna I'm sorry. Luna! Please wake up, please don't do this to me. I'm sorry."

I'd heard him, I heard every strangled and broken word out of his mouth and I felt his hands on my face, my wrist as he checked for a pulse, and I felt him pick me up and crush me to his chest as he dialed 911 on his phone. 

I heard him repeat the three words I never wanted to hear him say over and over again. 

"That's it. I don't have anything else to share." I try to keep my voice steady, but even I can hear the break in my words. Thankfully, Donnie moves on without another word to me.