Under the Influence ✔

6.

Shannon has red hair and she's a heroin addict. She has two kids and is here to become the mother that they deserve. In group, when it's her turn to talk, she taps her fingers on her knee and avoids eye contact with Donnie, the group leader. She's overdosed four times, and after the fourth, her family had an intervention - which is how she ended up here. Shannon always gets two chocolate chip cookies from the snack table before taking a seat, and she always saves one for after her turn - I think it's a way to reward herself for sharing. 

Max is sixteen and here because his parents found his weed stash. I don't know if they sent him here because they think weed is a serious drug addiction, or if they sent him here to hear horror stories from the rest of us and are hoping that it scares him away from marijuana and all other substances. Max curses a lot and always makes comments about the nurses "figures". To him, this whole place is bullshit, and I would have to agree with him on that. 

Axel is like me, he likes to keep to himself and only shares with the group when directly asked. Axel is addicted to both narcotics and alcohol, both of which I can relate to. Axel has a girlfriend, McKenna, waiting for him back home and if you ask him about her, I swear he will talk your ear off for days. Axel is nice, from what I can tell, I haven't had an actual conversation with him but he smiles at me when we pass in the hall after dinner each night. I think he's the only person here that understands not wanting to fight your demons, but instead befriending them. 

And then there's me, Luna Hayes, a complete and total fucking mess. I've been here for three months and I've never spoken a word in group, or to anyone about anything. 

That is, until today. 

This morning in my one on one therapy session with Dr. Taylor, I was told that if I corporate for one week - just one full week - then I can leave this place and get back to my life. So as Donnie takes his seat in the circle and welcomes us all to the group, I don't look down at the ground and avoid eye contact. 

I listen to Shannon talk about her visit with her mom today and then I listen to a girl named Hannah talk about her nightmares. Axel is asked to speak about his past attempts at sobriety and I listen as his voice falters, like he's ashamed of himself and would rather forget that part of his life than relive it. 

When Donnie looks at me after Axel is done speaking, I nod my head just enough for him to notice. "Luna, would you like to share today?" 

"Sure." 

Everyone's eyes are on me, waiting for me to begin spilling my sad tale, but that's the problem - I don't even know my own story. It's not like I have some big tragedy that made me turn to drugs for comfort, or an ex boyfriend that got me hooked. I did it all on my own, all because I'm sad and lonely - just like I've always been. 

"Take your time." Donnie says, giving me a patient smile. 

"I don't really know what to say." I pull at the sleeves of my sweater, the same grey sweater that we were all wearing. 

"How about you tell us who you are and why you're here." 

If only it were that simple, Donnie. "I'm Luna and I'm here because I was found overdosed at the hotel where I work. My fr-this guy that I know, he told my parents about my drug abuse and they freaked out and sent me here."

"And how do you feel about being here, Luna?" 

I roll my eyes at the question. He knows how I feel about being here, I've sat silently in this chair for three months, obviously I'm not jumping for joy at being in this place. "I agree with Max, this place is bullshit."  

"Hell yeah!" Max claps, giving me a thumbs up from across the circle. 

Ignoring Max's comment, Donnie asks another question, his eyes still kind and patient as he stays focused on me. "Why do you think that?" 

"Because I didn't decide to be here, and I should be in charge of my own life. I shouldn't be forced into rehab, I didn't ask for help. I didn't need help." I can taste the bitterness on my tongue and I hated that Donnie was still so calm, so relaxed and acting as if he could see right through me.

"You overdosed, Luna." It wasn't Donnie that spoke, instead it was Axel. I turn to look at him, but he's not looking at me, he's looking at the floor. 

"So?" 

Something in the way I said that simple word, made Axel face me and from the look on his face I could tell that he was reliving his own mistakes right now. "So you don't think that wasn't a cry for help? You honestly think that you should be in charge of your own life when you almost ended it so carelessly?" 

"It's my life, my choice." 

"It's like you want to be an addict. Someone cares enough about you to put you in this place and help you, and you're spitting in their face, choosing to live a numb and hollow life instead of getting better." 

"Who the fuck do you think you are?" My voice rises as Axel stares at me, judging like he knows me and what I've been through. He doesn't know anything about me or my life, yet here he is, acting like he has the right to tell me that I should be grateful I was forced into this prison. 

"Okay! That's enough." Donnie interjects just as Axel opens his mouth to reply.

 I cross my arms and keep my mouth shut for the rest of group.