Diary Of A Suicidal Teenager [first draft] ON HOLD

Fix You

Do you know that feeling you get whenever you want time to just hurry up and you feel yourself staring at the clock, except for some unknown reason the ticking noise is inside your head. Counting down those minutes that you just so desperately want to hurry up. Yeah that's how I'm feeling right now. Turns out everything and everyone's different at school now.

Anna's stolen Phoebes place as miss popular queen. It felt so weird sitting with her, her new boyfriend and her group of friends and guess who was on the table. Yeah Dan and his girlfriend. He sat opposite me when we had lunch at looked down mostly at the table, not really looking at me. I guess he didn't have the guts to look at me. This was too awkward for me and when I feel awkward I start rambling.

"Hi Dan" I sighed trying to make conversation.

"So you're actually speaking to me huh?" He asked slightly confused

"I suppose"

"I suppose, well that's better nothing"

"Yeah you're just so god damn lucky aren't you"

"How are you doing anyways, you're sister moved out didn't she?"

"Yeah and?"

"Well I know you still hate me but maybe we could you know have a shot at being friends afterall I know your mind, and it's a dangerous place for you to be alone"

"I don't need you to run a diagnosis on me"

"I'm not"

Anna distracted me then introducing all of her new friends. I didn't bother catching their names since I would be spending sometime with them hopefully. They were talking about some wild party that would be at Anna's house on Friday, of course I was invited. This brought my anxiety levels up. I wasn't much of a party girl, I would have nothing to wear. I mean I suppose I could go casual and wear skinny jeans and a vest top and a pair of converses. But I knew what these girls were like only speaking to them for five minutes, they were the type to fight over designer dresses, bitch about someone if they aren't wearing something what they would say "lovely". The bell rang and me and Anna got up and headed towards our Art lesson, the only lesson I truly enjoyed. I noticed how her hands were interlocked with the football teams captain.

"Oh Mel, this is Ray" Anna introduced.

"It's nice to meet you Ray" I muttered offering him a polite smile which he returned.

Turns out Ray wasn't in our Art lesson so just before we headed through the door he kissed Anna goodbye and turned around to his lesson. The look on her face was priceless. She clumsily followed me into the art classroom and we sat together since none of her little goons were with us in this lesson, all apart from Dan who sat behind us wearing a sheepish look on his face. I tried my hardest to concentrate on the teacher talking about this years project; self portraits. I groaned at this. Seriously why self portraits. I mean I'm too ugly to draw myself and well it's just not right, my self esteem right now is 0. I wasn't the only one who groaned to, so did Anna, Dan and some other people. I guess this project wasn't going to be much fun.

The teacher set us away with our tasks, which caused chaos where all the art supplies. Only me, Anna and Dan remained in the seats. One thing I don't like discussing is shopping with friends and of course Anna would bring this up.

"Mel, we seriously have to go shopping tonight, just me and you maybe have a meal out if you fancy, have a good old catch up" Anna said.

"Sure I'd like that, gets me out of the house" I sighed.

The rest of the hour flew by, and then all I remembered was me and Anna walking to her house. Her house hasn't changed all apart from her room, it was more plain than I imagined, light grey walls, wooden furniture. Sure enough she decorated it to make it look pretty and she had done a good job. I sat on her bed when I noticed a picture on her bed side table. It was of me and her last Summer. I'm surprised she would've kept this after all we never spoke properly or seen each other for the past 7 months. We've clearly changed it's like she's matured, puberty finally hitting her, giving her perfect boobs, curves in the right places. I however still look just as fat. I was too busy staring at the picture that I didn't see Anna come in wearing her usual skinny jeans, vest top and vans and her new addition hoodies too. I guess it was for me to go home and get changed at my house.

She was surprised when she got into my room, it obviously been decorated too since last time. I quickly changed it to my usual skinny jeans and this time a baggy too and my converses. We were just about to leave when she asked me a question, the one I feared she'd ask.

"What happened to your parents?" Anna asked.

I couldn't talk about this, not now, especially since I did feel slightly happy. I sighed and continued to walk out the house and walked ahead of her until she ran to catch up. She must've figured that I wasn't ready to speak about it because she never pressured me after simply asking. I knew I should tell her but today wasn't the day, she'd probably think I was a freak and we'll fall out. We both walked to the shopping centre in silence. I wasn't enjoying this, not one little bit. I wanted my Anna back. The one who had no friends, who didn't care about what she looked like. I hate how people change, I hate how things are so complicated now. Maybe if I wasn't so fucked up everything would be alright. I might've been popular, I might've had a decent relationship. But no my mind has to be stupid. I guess I was angry because I felt Anna's touch on my arm to try and calm me down.

"I'm sorry if I upset you earlier on" Anna sighed.

"It's not that, It's just really hard to talk about everything" I sighed being honest for a change.

"Mel, we really need to talk about everything, I'm always here for you"

"What is it you want to know?"

"I want you to start from the beginning"

So while sat in Starbucks I told her everything, she never interrupted me until I stopped. This was the part I was dreading. She didn't look angry, she looked sad. I never told her about me being raper. After telling Dan well I just feel like I can't ever trust anyone. I did tell her about mine and Dan's relationship, that was the only bit she smiled at but she went sad when I told her about our break up. I was expecting another "I'm always here for you" off her but she got up and wrapped her arms around me and kissed me on the cheek. I didn't notice the tears that were making her mascara run. Then I heard her whisper in my ear.

"I will try to fix you"

A/N

I know it was a short chapter and not really important but I needed this filler in here. When I do update next I will make the chapter longer anyways goodbye for now x