Diary Of A Suicidal Teenager [first draft] ON HOLD

My Story

Dear Diary,

I just. Ugh. I don't know how to explain the feeling. There's part of me that's gone. There's something that I really need right now, not for my sake but for Dans'. I love him. I never even believed in love at first sight but this is a different type of love. I felt like I was floating, with no care in the world. Well of course I do have a care. In fact loads of cares, if I'm been completely honest. I just feel like that I have to keep this wall up between me and Dan, so none of us get hurt. I'm glad I have him though. My own bad boy. When I'm with him I feel like I can just keep going, he's the reason I keep fighting, without him well I don't know where I'd be. Maybe in my own grave, or maybe back in that mental hospital with that pervert of a psychiatrist.

Let me, let you in on my secrets. Maybe it's time I tell you everything completely. Maybe the start of my life, everything. My story...

It obviously started 15 years and 4 months ago. It was 2 months before my birth when they discovered, my mother wouldn't be having twins, she would be having triplets instead. My mother was terrified of the thought, looking after 3 babies would be a handful especially with her low pay job at the time and with a two year old running about, painting anything she see's, screaming crying. It was predicted to be a incredibly loud house. However there was something the doctors didn't tell my mother something, and when they did it was too late. I the hospital in which I was born in, that's when my parents got the terrible news. 2/3 of the babies won't make it, and in fact they didn't. It was unsure if the third child would survive as well. I was supposed to have another two siblings, brothers or sisters. I was meant to be part of the triplets but we weren't the three musketeers no more and we never even got the opportunity to be that. The doctors were right, they didn't make it. I can't help but think that I wasn't meant to be born or even alive. All of this was kept from me and Ruby until I was four and she was six. I overheard their argument, they were right to argue after all my mother was expecting twins and they were terrified if the same thing happened again. The again we all were. I was scared for a load of reasons; the fact I shouldn't be alive, I was an accident, what if my mother dies and the twins are healthy, what if it were the other way round. Of course when Adam and Aidan came along they were healthy. Or so we thought. Nothing happened for two years. So then I was 6, Ruby was 8, Adam and Aidan were 1. My father was jobless and my mother was in college studying law so she could be a lawyer. There wasn't any money coming in so we were in a really bad way. There must've been some money coming in because my father was an alcoholic. These memories I'm about to tell you give me the shivers.

My mother been at collage full time, me and Ruby at school and Adam and Aidan were at nursery and my father had loads of spare time in his hands. Those times he spent getting shockingly drunk with his friends. He would leave the house same time as us so that would be half 8 and he wouldn't come home till my mother got back from collage which would be half 5. At the time I suspected he was having an affair and actually it turns out he did. I got sent home from school one day, I was horrifically sick, they must've called my mother because my father didn't expect me home and was shocked and angry when I did get home. When I got home I thought my father must be out drinking but then I heard funny noises coming from his room, groans, screams of delight. I was curious, I thought he was home watching TV loudly. I burst into the room calling out daddy to this disgusting sight. He was having sex with some other woman. The most cringiest thing was I was too young to understand how babies were made and that right there is exactly how I found out. The woman in the bed yelled in fright ad stared at me, my father turned round at me and glared at me telling me to get out and threatening me that if I told mother he would hurt me. I never got to understand his threat because mother came back home that night and found the woman's underwear in the bed. They had an argument, it was the wrong time for me to go downstairs and the wrong time for my mother to answer back before as I walked into the sitting room my father's first connected with my mother's face leaving her crying in pain.