Diary Of A Suicidal Teenager [first draft] ON HOLD

The Rebel Within

Dear Diary,

I've just got to say 7 words.

I'M IN LOVE WITH MY NEW ROOM. It's so totally the new me. I guess this room would be the place where I spend the most time in. My posters were all hung up now, Guns N' Roses, Imagine Dragons, Linkin Park and Paramore. To add to the empty spaces in my room my mother added an book case which I placed my only 2 books, The Fault In Our Stars and Looking For Alaska. I seriously need to look into buying more books and some DVDs to watch, especially TV shows to keep me more occupied.

I know it's been 3 days since I've last wrote to you, but I need to get some things off my chest. I can't keep up eating fatty foods; it's impossible. I'm forcing myself to eat now and I just feel disgusting. I feel like I don't walk, I wobble. Why do I have to be this fat? It's seriously unfair. But guess who has a new secret. Oh yes, I've found my other key to being skinny. Purging. Sure being sick after eating is a tiring job but it's worth it if you lose weight. Tomorrow is my first appointment with my dietician/ psychiatrist appointment so I'm not looking forward to that. Tonight though Ruby's invited me to her little party, and this time I will met her new boyfriend. No matter who he is he won't ever be good enough.

I'm planning on getting drunk, my first time huh? I don't mean sex though, that's definitely off the things to do tonight. Thing is I'm excited about meeting Ruby's friends, but also terrified. I have a really bad social anxiety. When I'm nervous, I stutter, I'm quiet, I get lost in my own thoughts easily and when people try talking to me I panic sometimes. I hate this though. I just want to be normal? But what's normal? I should rephrase that, I want to be able to live my life with no regrets. I just want that crazy feeling of falling in love, having your heart broken, having sleepover's with friends gossiping about boys. I'm 15 years old and I've ever been kissed.

You know what's the most horrid thing about therapy tomorrow? It's not my psychiatrist, it's not talking about myself. It's being there, it reminds me of how ill I am. Sure they're going to be pretty pissed if they find out I've lost a pound, most people losing a pound is nothing, to them me losing a pound is like a deadly sin. If they find out about my new secret then they'll probably kill me. What they don't know won't hurt them?

Anyways, my father keeps coming home basically kicks the door in for about half an hour and then goes away. It's getting ridiculous after all he doesn't really need us. My aunty says he's been having an affair for the past 3 months so why doesn't he just go back to that slut? GRRRRRRRRRRR! Now I'm angry.

Anyways, I'll write tomorrow, tell you about Ruby's friends, my appointment and my experience of been drunk.

Love

Mellissa x

It was only dinner time, we had plenty of time before we could leave the house tonight. There wasn't much I could do that could keep me amused for very long, sure enough my mother had recorded some of American Horror Story for me. So that's basically how I spent my day, curled up on the sofa watching my favourite TV show at the moment. I craved for some snacks, something like Doritos but I fought against the temptation and concentrated on the episode. After I had watched two episodes I became unsettled. I couldn't concentrate on anything and I felt extremely tired. It was only 2pm anyways and I guessed this was because I didn't have anything to eat since tea time yesterday. I hopped off the sofa and headed towards the kitchen hoping to find something healthy to eat.

I opened all the cupboards, dug through the food in the fridge and freezer and yet there was nothing healthy. Then I remembered my change jar, I could go to the shop and get something healthy from there, but that would mean taking my Adam and Aidan with me and that would mean chocolate for them. Sure enough I had enough money £10 should be enough for my lunch and some sweets for the twins.