Under the Influence ✔

20.

They're talking to Wes as if he's one of the family and so far, nothing has been asked of or said to me that makes me feel attacked. My dad asked how I'm feeling, my mom said she likes my new hair, and Zoe wants to visit my apartment. Before long I'm laughing a long at the joke my dad just told and agreeing to go shopping with my mom next week. 

After we're done eating, my dad helps my mom clear the table and Zoe goes to make a phone call - leaving just Wes and I at the table. "So, is it just me or does it seem to be going well?"

I let out a light laugh, "Yeah, it is. They're acting so different." 

I can hear my parents talking in the next room over as they rinse the dishes and load the dishwasher. They have always been a happy couple, always making the other laugh, sharing everything with one another - I've always wanted a relationship based on the same friendship and unconditional love as theirs. Under the table, Wes' hand covers mine, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want you to take it the wrong way or get offended." 

I turn so that I'm facing him, looking into his serious brown eyes as he looks back at me, like he's wondering if he should just say what's on his mind or not. "Okay." 

"Did you...did you ever think that maybe it's not them, but that maybe it's you? Like, maybe they're acting the same as they always have but you're just interpreting it differently now because you're mentally in a better place." He talks softly and doesn't break eye contact, all in an attempt to keep me calm and to not make it seem as if he's trying to offend me. 

I'd never thought of that way, but Wes' words make sense in a way. Now that I think back to the conversation I had with my mom earlier, it is all things that she has said before - I just didn't think that she was talking badly about me this time. It's the same with my dad, and even with my sister - maybe he's right. Maybe it was me this whole time...

"I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I just think it's something you should consider." 

"You might be right, I don't know..." Before I could say more, everyone re-enters the room and my mom starts to dish our dessert. Zoe seems to be acting a little differently now, I'm not sure who she was on the phone with but the conversation seems to have upset her. 

"You okay, Zo?" 

She seems surprised at the question, or maybe she's just surprised that I'm the one who asked it. Either way, she quickly covers her reaction with a smile before our parents can see that she ever looked upset. "I'm fine, just thinking about a project I have due soon."

Her comment soon threw us all into a discussion about school and how proud we all are of Zoe and her accomplishments - which I am proud, but I can tell that Zoe feels she's under a lot of pressure. Remaining silent for months in rehab taught me a lot about reading a person's body language and seeing the things they're not saying. 

"What about you, Luna?"

"Huh?" I look over to my dad, realizing that I had missed a great deal of the conversation while watching my sisters reactions to the words being said. 

"Any more thought to college or maybe going back to work soon? Obviously not back to the job you had before, but maybe something new." Before I would have thought that my dad was judging me for not going to college and that this question was him hinting that he's disappointed in me - pushing me to do something I don't want to do all so that I can fit in with this family. Now though, I think he's just asking because he wants to know - because he cares even. 

"I've actually been thinking about it. Both, school and a job." It was true, I had. It's all part of me trying to figure out who I am and what I want. It's a step. 

"That's great, honey." My mom is smiling wider than I have ever seen her smile at me, and I can't help but smile back. It's like they're finally proud of me too and not just Zoe. It's like I'm part of the family - or maybe I'm just now allowing myself to be a part of it. 

"Not to drag up an old fight or open old wounds, I don't want to ruin the evening, but Luna is it bad to say that I think that wellness center really helped you." I can see everyone tense a little at my mom's words - they all think that I'm going to get angry and storm out of the house, never to come back until I'm forced to. 

"It's not bad, mom. I think it helped too." I turn to Wes, who was the only one to not act as if I was a bomb that was about to explode, "And so does Wes." 

"You know, a colleague of mine has a son that went to the same facility. He says that the place really helped get his son back to the lively young man he remembers him to be, he's even engaged to the girl that convinced him to get clean and he's going back to college." 

"That's great, dad." It gives me hope that maybe I can live a normal life too - even though I skipped out on more than half of my treatment and therapy while at the center. 

"Maybe you met him, what was his name again..." He ponders, talking to himself as he tries to remember the name of a boy I most likely don't know. 

"I didn't really talk to a lot of people while I was there, I probably don't-"

"Axel! His name is Axel Anderson." 

"Axel?" Okay, maybe I do know him. I knew that Axel was getting out soon and I knew that he was nervous about returning home, so I'm glad to hear that things are going so well for him. Despite our rough start, Axel had quickly become a friend of mine, and he helped me see things that I couldn't before - even if he had to argue with me for me to see it. 

"Do you know him?"

"Yeah, we were in group together. He was kind of my only friend there." Maybe I should get in contact with Axel and talk to him some more about what I'm going through now that I'm sober and want to remain that way. While Wes gets it - he's biased, he loves me and he wants to protect me. Axel will give it to me straight, that's one thing I know I can count on. He has always called me out on my bullshit. 

"Well he sounds like a great young man from what his father has told me about him. They've both had a rough year though, what with the murder of Grace, Axel's mother." I remember Axel mentioning that his dealer killed his mom in one of our group sessions, but I'd forgotten since he had never mentioned it again. Axel has had more demons to battle than I have and if he's coming out on top - maybe I can too.  "If you were friends, you should call him and congratulate him on his engagement, Luna." 

"I will."