suddenly ♡ malum ✓

➵ twenty one

THURSDAY

 

Dear diary :(

I'm really sorry for not writing in here for the last four or five days. I wasn't really in the mood.

 A lot happened. Well, not really but some things happened.

I talked to Luke on Tuesday and the other days I kind of tried to deal with what he told me.

I haven't talked to Calum since sunday, though. After he left that day I was really glad that I didn't have to see him anymore. I thought maybe all this stuff would go away.

It didn't.

**

"Hey Luke, can I - can I come over? I really, really need to talk to you," I asked him on the phone and he said that he was free today.

Since that little incident the last time I surprised him, I decided to give him a call before visiting him.

Today I walked to his house because the weather was great and I could think a lot better when I was alone, fresh air blowing softly in my face.

When I arrived, Luke opened the door and asked me what was wrong.

"I can see it in your eyes, which look so sad today, that something is on your mind," he said.

I sighed and asked if we could go to his room and he just nodded.

We sat down on his bed and it was quiet for a while but then he started asking me if I was okay because I looked so sad and barely talked and I told him that no, I was not okay.

"I need to tell you something and I want you to listen to me, okay?"

He nodded.

I took a deep breath and started talking.

"So, uh, the other weekend Calum and me had a sleepover. It was really nice and we had a lot of fun but things happened. Like, we laid in bed together and I got goosebumps everywhere when he touched me which was kind of confusing to me."

He nodded.

"And then on Friday at the party when Calum and I went into that closet, it was really awkward. He was so, so close to me and when he touched me there were those goosebumps again and when he kissed my cheek my heart started beating so, so fast and like, I couldn't really breath and I guess we almost kissed?" my voice cracked at the last part

I just stared at Luke, waiting for a reaction or something.

"Okay, okay. Have you ever considered that you maybe have feelings for Calum?" he asked me and I started laughing.

Really hard.

"Are you serious right now? I only know him for like a month."

"Remember what I told you back then when you asked me how I knew that Ashton is 'the one'?"

"You told me that I don't have to know the girl for that long to have feelings for her," I answered.

"Or him."

"I prefer her."

"Do you really?" he asked.

I nodded, "I am one hundred percent sure that I'm into boobs, I swear."

"You may like boobs but in the end you will still fall in love with the personality and the character of the person, not with the boobs or you know, their genitals and maybe you will fall in love with the personality of a boy."

"No, that's gross. No offense, you know I totally support gays and lesbians but I don't want to be gay. I can't even imagine kissing a guy," I said.

But you still almost did it.

"I understand but in the end it's not a choice, it's not your choice. It's your hearts choice. Your heart will decide who's the right person for you. Maybe it's a boy. Maybe it's not," he explained.

"I won't fall in love with a boy," I said.

"Maybe you already did."

I felt the tears running down my cheeks because I don't wanted to admit that maybe he was right.

He held me in his arms and tried to comfort me with stuff like 'It's okay' and 'It will get better'.

I pulled away from him and asked, "How do you do that?"

"What?"

"Knowing me better than I know myself."

He shrugged and smiled.

"I guess I've been your best friend for way too long," he then said and we both laughed, even though I wanted to cry.

**

That happened on Tuesday and I didn't go to school yesterday because I needed some time to think.

Think about my feelings.

Even though I didn't want to fall in love with a boy, I didn't have the choice.

Maybe Luke was right.

Shit, what am I writing.

I'm just overreacting, I'll get over it and then I can continue living my life as a boob lover.

- Michael