Afraid | Nikki Sixx

11.

Nikki's POV

The laughter of Mick, Vince and Tommy filled the room after Tommy had made his comment, I shook my head and opened my mouth to say something, when I heard a small thud, all of our heads shot to where we heard it. I stood up and walked over just in time to see Carly slamming my door shut behind he, I looked down and saw my leather jacket I left at Carly's house. "Carly!" I yelled after her, running over to the door and swinging it open and running down the steps of my porch after her, not caring about shutting the door.

I watched as she angrily ran away from me, her fists balled up. I started to run after her, "Carly!" I yelled, hoping she would turn around. What I wanted more than anything in this moment is for her to turn around, with that smile on her face and running to wrap her arms around me, but I knew none of that would happen. "Carly, please, wait up!" I called after her, we were getting closer to her house, I started to get desperate and pick up my pace, trying to reach her before she ran into her house.

She sprinted up her steps and as fast as she could, she opens the door, as soon as I reached her porch, the door slammed in my face, my hair blowing backwards from the force, I turned the doorknob, she locked her door, she locked me out. "Carly, open up, please!" I called through the door, resting my forehead on the door, my chest was moving up and down at a rapid rate as I was trying to catch my breath. "Please, Carly," I spoke my normal volume. No answer, I didn't even hear footsteps coming towards the door, what I did hear broke my heart. I heard faint sobs from behind the door.

I tried opening the door again, I want to just hold her, I want to comfort her, I want to wipe her tears away, but I can't do any of that. This is all because I couldn't open my mouth fast enough, "Carly, I.. I'm sorry." I said sadly, her sobs didn't stop. I slowly turned around and started to walk back towards my house. I walked inside my house and looked at the guys. "Get out," I said in almost a whisper. "Nik-" "I said, get. Out." I calmly spoke, I was going completely numb. "I finally found a girl who isn't after money, fame, sex or drugs and you all drove her away." I said, tears spilling down my cheeks, as soon as they saw the tears, their eyes all went wide. I never show my emotions to them, but I can't help it.

"We didn't mean to hurt her feelings-" "You didn't mean to!?" I finally yelled, cutting Vince off. "We didn't know she was coming over!" Tommy said. "That's your fucking excuse!?" I yelled, my anger was reaching a breaking point, I felt like I was gonna blow any second. "You talked about her like she wasn't even human!" I yelled. "It's not like you were disagreeing with what we were saying!" Vince yelled back. I felt my jaw and knuckles clench. "I was going to defend her, you asshole! You all wouldn't shut your fucking mouths!" I yelled at them. They were all taken back by how angry I had become. "Get OUT!" I finally broke, pointing to the door. The all hurriedly ran out the door.

I ran my hand through my hair and tugged on it out of frustration. I found someone I felt comfortable with, more importantly, she was starting to open up to me, with how closed off she is, it was a miracle and that meant she trusted me enough to let me in. I was so made at myself, I couldn't even stand to be myself, I made my way over to the phone and dialed a number quickly.

"It's Nikki," I started. "I need your biggest stash of smack you got."

Time has passed since I've heard from Carly, it's been a week. I've called her more time than I can count, no answer each time. I was shooting up everyday, all day long. As soon as I started to come down, I would shoot up to make sure it wouldn't happen. I don't wanna be sober, I don't like who I am sober, that's how I ruined things, being sober.

A week slowly turned into 2 weeks, then 3 weeks, then it was a month. Nothing from Carly, nothing at all.

I called her multiple times a day everyday, nothing. I really blew it this time. I haven't left my house at all this month, we have an interview coming up to promote our upcoming album and I don't think I can do it. There's no way I can be sober while doing that interview, I'll be going through withdrawals, with how frequently I've been doing it. They would start to kick in after only an hour of being sober.

I keep thinking Carly will walk through my front door, surprising me like she always did, I have been purposefully leaving my door unlocked for her to do so, but she hasn't showed up. Carly and I were seeing each other for about roughly 3 months, I thought she was finally someone that became permanent in my life. But, I ruined it.

I know usually people don't get attached just after 3 months, but I'm different. Once I get used to something, change isn't an option. So many people left me, used me, just treated me like shit and Carly came into my life, no motive, no catch, she just wanted to appreciate me and show me that not everyone will mistreat me. But, I had to ruin that one good thing in my life.

Fuck music, fuck this house, fuck the money, that all means nothing. The music isn't even fun anymore, I just want to stay fucked up. I want to forget why I'm such a waste, I wanna forget how my Mom chose random men who beat me over her own son, I wanna forget about how my Dad completely denied he even had a son, I wanna forget that I drove Carly away. I wanna forget it all, I just want it all to stop. These demons in my head are so loud that I need smack and blow to keep them quiet.

When I go through psychosis and see hallucinations, sometimes I see Carly. It's the most bittersweet moment ever. When I'm in the middle of psychosis, it seems so real, like she's actually here talking to me, like she was the one night she helped me when I was going through this. But, when I start coming down, she fades away and it tears me apart. It's not every time I go through psychosis, but it's happened enough times to make me go back to it so I could possibly see her again.

I was about to do some smack when my phone rang. I debated even picking it up at all, but I remembered it could be Carly. I quickly shuffled over to the phone, picking up then phone. "Hello?" I answered, hoping to hear that familiar, soft voice on the other side. "Nikki, it's Vince," Vince spoke, I groaned. "What is it? I'm busy," I responded, coldly. "The interview is in 2 days, we've been trying to get ahold of you," he said, I sighed. "Do it without me." I said, quickly, trying to get off the phone. "We can't! You're the bassist!" He exclaimed. "Fuck, fine, whatever. I'll be there, just leave me alone." I snapped. "Dude, we haven't seen you in over a month, we're worried-" "Sorry, gotta go." I said then slammed the phone down and walked back over to what I was previously doing.

Finally, some relief.

(a/n: sorry for the time skips, i didn't wanna drag out a whole month with several chapters, but thank you so much for reading! i really hope you enjoyed, please vote, feedback is always welcome, bye👻)