Afraid | Nikki Sixx

8.

(BEFORE YOU READ THIS: This chapter contains talking of and the acts of self harm, I in no way am promoting self harm nor am I romanticizing it. I'm making this story very raw and real, if you are triggered by reading about self harm, I encourage you to not read this chapter. If you or someone you know struggles with self harm, please reach out for help, you're not alone in this.)

Carly's POV

I haven't seen Nikki in a few days, since we made a deal to help each other. I've hardly left my house, I don't want to.

I rolled over in my bed and stared at the wall. I was diagnosed with bipolar depression 3 years ago. My moods can go from being happy and going through episodes of mania when I'm happy and I hardly sleep and I'm getting stuff done, then I crash, hard. I can't get out of bed.

I've heard my phone ring multiple times here past few days, probably Nikki trying to talk to me but, I just can't face him right now. I can't face any of them right now, Nikki, Tommy, Vince, Mick.. I don't want them to know how fucked up I am.

I've been struggling with self harm since I was a little kid, that's why I wear so many bracelets or long sleeves. I don't want anyone to know, I don't want anyone to take it away from me. At times like these, I don't care about anything. I only care about staying away from people and my self harm.

My hair is all on knots, my body aches from barely moving, my stomach hurts from not eating, my body is drained from sleeping all the time, I don't want to do anything. I don't even care if I die while laying in bed like this.

The thoughts of hurting myself kept running through my head. My whole arm is covered, both arms, my thighs are starting to become covered, I don't know what I'm going to do when it comes to summer because I love swimming but, I can't be seen like this. The thoughts wouldn't leave my head, it was driving me crazy. I pushed the covers off and I slowly rose up from my bed. I started to make my way to my bathroom where I keep my razors.

I walked into my bathroom and pulled my pajama pants down and threw them aside, I sat down on the floor and opened up the cabinet under my sink and pulled out my razor.

I didn't even hesitate, I started to drag the razor over my thigh, blood started to drop onto the tiles of the floor, I started to become numb to the pain of it all.

My whole thigh was covered by red, I wasn't even worried, I didn't have a reaction. But, for some reason, I feel better. Self harm is almost as addictive as drugs, I can't stop. I want to cover my entire body.

I was broken from my thoughts when I heard my door being unlocked. Panic started to run through my body. "Carly Beeeeth?" Nikki's voice sang through my house. My eyes went wide. No, no, no.. He cannot see me like this. I started to take toilet paper off the roll frantically, trying to clean up everything. "I've been calling you, you haven't answered, I just came to check up on you," he spoke again, footsteps getting closer, along with the sound of his voice. I kept ripping toilet paper off the roll, trying to cover up what I just did.

"Car-" Nikki was right in front of me, his mouth opened, he looks stunned, I couldn't say anything either, the words were caught in my throat.

"Oh my god, Carly! What happened?!" Nikki's yells finally filled up the empty house. I flinched at the sudden outburst, I still couldn't say anything. He's finally seeing how weak I am, how low I am, he's seeing me at my most vulnerable.

His eyes scanned the room, when his eyes landed on the razor, he stiffened up. "You.. did this.. to yourself?.." He spoke slowly. Tears started to run down my cheeks, I looked away from him, I couldn't stand to see the look on his face.

He bent down and grabbed more toilet paper and applied to to the wound. "Where is your first aid kit? Or bandaids? Or anything that can cover these wounds?" He asked me. Still not looking at him, "in the cabinet in my kitchen, the one next to the fridge." I barely spoke, Nikki quickly got up and ran to my kitchen. He came back within a few seconds, holding the box of bandages. Without a word, he removed the toilet paper and started to cover the open wounds.

"Carly, why didn't you tell me?" He spoke softly. I shook my head, covered my face with my hands. "Carly, talk to me." Nikki said, taking his hands and removing my hands from my face.

"You're gonna leave," I finally got out, tears freely going down my face. "You're gonna leave and you're gonna think I'm a freak." I sobbed. "Carly, I would never-" "I don't want this taken away from me!" I sobbed louder, looking up at Nikki. "This is the thing I have control over, I don't want it taken away from me!" I cried harder.

"This isn't healthy, you can't keep doing this-" I cut him off by sobbing into my hands. I get Nikki get up, he's leaving. I know he is. But, instead I heard the toilet flush. I removed my hands and looked around.

My razor is gone.

I looked up at Nikki standing in front of me, I got up and looked in the toilet.

It's gone.

"W-What did you do?" I asked, feeling my body go numb. "I'm helping you-" "What did you DO?!" I sobbed. Nikki flinched, but he didn't leave. "Why aren't you leaving?!" I yelled at him. "I'm not leaving you!" "You don't wanna be with someone like me, okay?!" I cried. "Why did you flush it?!" I yelled. "Why?! Why?! WHY?!" I yelled, punching his chest. I felt his arms wrap around me, my arms went to my sides, he pulled me into his chest.

"Shh, you're going to be okay.. I'm right here, Carly." He softly spoke, rubbing my back. I sobbed into his chest. "Listen to me, I am not leaving. I never even thought about leaving. You're too special to me. I said I would help you and that's what I'm going to do. Wanna know why?" Nikki paused. "Because I care about you a lot, I promise you will not go through this alone."